Yesterday morning got off to a bit of a rough start.
It was Monday first of all, so it already had that going against it...
But I woke up early(too early really) and had time to just lay in bed for quite a while and think and just wake up and be ready for the
day without rushing or oversleeping.
I remember laying there thinking that this was the perfect way to start the day.
But somehow things went from just fine to not, in no time at all... And I do know that my actions or reactions sometimes perpetuate these things
or at the very least make them worse, you know, and go from not great to really shitty in 0.2 seconds.
That's what happened. It happens.
I heard fighting downstairs and after lots of talking and them pretending to listen yesterday and the day before, I lost it.
There was no screaming but I did yell and lectured and then I was really grouchy and mad.
And then of course it was time for the kids to leave for Vacation Bible School and for me to go to work and I left feeling like the worst mom
ever, that is obviously doing E V E R Y T H I N G
wrong or else my kids wouldn't be fighting and I wouldn't be losing my temper and I wouldn't feel like crying on the way to work.
I didn't, because I actually put make-up on and wore a skirt so I wasn't about to cry.
Mostly I was mad.
And stressed.
And then I am mad that I am mad.
I get mad at myself for things that could have been avoided had I given it a few more minutes, been just a little more patient,
been a little more organized and not stressed about
getting out the door late.
Then there are the times that no matter what you do, someone might just be in a grouchy mood, or tired or whatever, and there is absolutely
nothing I can do about that.
But still.
When I have these mornings or days or evenings or weeks, it's really hard not to think of all the ways I am failing.
Because there are so, SO many.
I'm failing in the patience department.
I am failing at the organization thing.
I am failing at the working outside the home thing.
I am failing in the laundry and cooking department and pretty much anything and everything in the house.
I could give you a list a mile long of my shortcomings and sometimes only come up with a couple of things that I am doing right
or even just semi-good.
I think this is normal.
Motherhood can be defeating.
It's hard.
It's a roller coaster.
It's my most important job.
But it's not the only thing I am or the only person I am.
And that can be so overwhelming at times.
Thank goodness that tomorrow is a brand new day.
And we all have another chance.
To do better or do it over or to just another day to give ourselves a little more of a break.
////////////
I think you're being far too hard on yourself. Believe me we all have these days, and fighting amongst the kids really lights my fire too.
ReplyDeleteWe all have rough days, some before-school antics this morning meant my youngest wouldn't give me a kiss at school drop-off, far too angry at her mum for that. And I'm not going to beat myself up over it, as I have done in the past. All will be forgotten when I pick her up this afternoon. Hope the week improves for you. The fact that you care so much about your actions/reactions means you must be a wonderful Mum.
Fiona- thank you so much! and don't worry, i don't feel like this every day.... not at all... these feelings come and go and really i am just sharing and being honest. i am the opposite of the mom/woman/wife/friend that "has it all together" and i think that's okay. and you're right, all was forgotten and we all got over it. have a great day! :)
ReplyDeleteI have days like that more often than not: bad day in the office, a job I dislike, kids fighting, nagging, complaining and me losing it because I am stressed and tired. Feelings of guilt, promising myself I will be a better mom, more patient. Waiting for a fresh, new day. And then the vicious cycle starting all over again. There are a lot of love and cuddles at home, but there are also more raised voices and anger than I would like. Sometimes it just is difficult to keep it all picture perfect when you are working and being a mom (especially with no help from grandparents and sitters) and thinking about finances etc. And being moms is the best thing in the world, the best thing that has ever happened to me, but as you correctly wrote, we are not just moms and that makes the equation much more difficult... cut yourself some slack! Just scroll through this blog of yours to see what an amazing mom you are!
ReplyDeleteYES!
ReplyDeleteYES!
YES! we all do it! We've all been in that moment where whilst we're actually yelling *it* we're thinking reign this anger in- you are a terrible mother!
I lost it in the car driving to school last week over a singlet (a vest under a school uniform)! I was cold and lost it that my youngest didn't *get* that she was old enough to know better- winter...cold...singlet!
There was a bad word in my ranting too! I felt horrendous for 6 long hours- she came out and hugged me and asked if I was *still tired* and did I get to *have a rest today* and I was more guilt ridden for how she *rode* the whole drama out so simply and confidently!
Agghhhhhh...no manual to this gig and some days it's just all wrong- but the one's that it's right...like really right are awesome aren't they!
Hang in there lovely- you are a brilliant mum...but you know that on the good days...xxxxx M