Wednesday, December 5, 2012

What We Lose Along The Way


The other night I took a walk alone after dark.
The weather was perfect, it was in the 60s and I was wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt with no coat in December.
That's just crazy but I will take it over snow and ice any day.

So, I walked and then on the way back home I cut through the school parking lot and stopped at the swings.
Can I tell you something?
I kinda love to swing.
But normally I am pushing kids, so I don't really get to swing by myself... I mean, not really swing.


I think I must have swung for 15 minutes or more,  as high as I could.
My stomach dropping and doing flip-flops the higher I went.
I really wanted to jump off but I was too scared I would like break my foot or something(I've done that before, no fun).
And as I swung I wondered how long it had been since I had done that, really swung, for a while...as long as I wanted to....I don't know.
It is a bit of a cliche but I'm gonna say it anyway...swinging like that, in the dark by myself, I felt  so... free.
Free and light...no worries and no cares... just nothing.
How often do you really feel like that as an adult? Not very often, I have to say.




It made me think that when I was younger, that is how I felt..... a lot of the time.
Just free.
Not weighed down with worry and stress and bills and kids and responsibilities and relationships and other people's problems...
Light.
I miss that feeling.

And then I got to thinking about what we lose in ourselves along the way to becoming grown-ups.
I think it's a lot.
I wondered as I swung in the dark, what happened to the younger me, the 21-year old... the 19-year old.. the  25 year old me....?
Where did she go?
Is there any of her left in me somewhere under all of the other stuff?

This is not about me not liking where my life is now, not at all, I wouldn't change anything about my life now... I know that I am just
exactly where I should be.
I think I just realized that I kind of miss some of those parts of my younger self--  the one that didn't know half of what I do now,  the one
who was a bit naive, a bit self-centered and yes,  a bit more fun.
life is just kinda weird sometimes, huh?

******

ps- i'm loving this today. his voice. sigh.






5 comments:

  1. what a great post.
    and obvs. i love the photo.
    you are very poetic today.
    i've gotta be honest though, i almost always think negatively about 19, 20, 21 year old me.
    i was just so selfish.
    maybe i'll try and think a little more compassionately about my own babyish self today.
    maybe.
    i really like you amy.

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  2. Such a great post, Amy.
    I feel this way all the time.
    I wonder what happened to that younger me - the one who lived in the dorms, the one who taught public speaking in grad school (CRAZY! who was THAT girl?!), the one who had her own apartment and was living just a free, single life.
    And like you, it's not that I'm not okay with who I am now, but my memories of "that" girl tug at my heart sometimes. She's long gone...I think. Maybe I catch glimpses of her from time to time. I think I see a bit of her when I look at Max now. Maybe that's what happened - maybe that girl had to leave me to go reside in Max now.
    I don't know.
    But you stated it all perfectly.
    I hear ya, gal.
    You always get me thinking.

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  3. Oh, I like what Andrea said about this. And I agree with Shauna - I kind of cringe when I think about my younger self...

    Love this post, love this song. xo

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  4. I absolutely love this post and the photo. I too love to swing and actually don't hesitate to do it when I happen on a swing set. The thoughts in your post are exactly why I did a cartwheel the other day when I was with my husband out in a field while he was doing target practice with his bow. I have to admit, it wasn't as easy as it used to be, and I'm lucky I didn't pull something! ha! Thanks for this.

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  5. I think a person who can take a walk alone in the dark and swing to her heart's content for a while has not lost that much of her former self. I know exactly what you mean about feeling free and light: I do not swing anymore because I unfortunately have discovered it makes me nauseous now but I put on ice skates for the first time in about 25 years the other day and after a few minutes of panic I felt just the same way.

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