Sometimes It's Not So Simple, Sometimes It Is

Last night I got out one of my big drawing books, grabbed one of my favorite pens and made myself sit down and write.
And when I say "write", that can mean to actually write, to simply doodle, draw or make a list...Just putting pen to paper is sometimes the best way for me to reflect, figure things out and look at problems differently.
It is often a way for me to get whatever is bothering me OUT of me(even if only temporarily) and somewhere else(on the paper).
Life has been heavy the last week or so and yesterday it was just about to come to a head.
Sitting at work, looking out at yet another gray, rainy, dreary sky, I thought I was going to lose it.
Like seriously.
Several days like this in a row, on top of already feeling emotional and having some tough life things going on lately, has nearly done me in for this week. I really want to throw in the towel.

After work, I came home and looked at the kitchen that needed cleaned and the laundry that needed folded and instead I forced myself to put on my tennis shoes and go for a walk.
As we got about a block from home I told myself that every time I felt down and could not get myself out of a funk, I was going to make myself put on my tennis shoes and just walk. Somewhere, anywhere...For an hour or for 15 minutes.
It helped a little.
When I got home I took a shower, used my favorite shower gel, put on my brand new pajama pants and sat down on the couch with my big drawing book. I wrote and drew and slowly felt a tiny bit better than I had in days.
I am a big believer in not ignoring what the problem or issue is but trying to figure it out- and most importantly, trying to figure out what I need to do to change the situation or change how I am reacting to a situation. 
Very often, like now, there is not a thing you can do to change tough situations though- You cannot control anyone else's actions but your own and sometimes that really sucks.


Today is a new day and I am going to try my hardest to make it better than yesterday.

Life Lately...

Life lately has been Spring sloooowly, slowly creeping in.
It has been longer evenings and the start of soccer practice(for both kids this Spring!)- the first couple practices were FREEZING but it seems like that has changed now. Thank God.
Life lately has been swimming two nights a week and purging + organizing this old house of ours.
Life lately has been picking flowers and playing in the backyard.
Life lately has been basketball games with cousins and finding a $20 Starbucks gift card from Christmas you forgot all about.

Life lately has been little reminders that my boy might be growing up but he is still super sweet to his Mama. Usually.
Life lately has been lots and lots of books and little succulents everywhere.
Life lately has been exploring on of our very favorite parks with cousins and finding a small field of blue bells.

Life lately has been my first Sunday morning coffee on the front porch and new magazines to drool over.
Life lately is the sweetest dog ever and finding him(once again) in the funniest places, thinking that he is more human than animal.
Life lately has been EVERYTHING in bloom- flowering and green and growing.

Life lately is reminding myself everyday to find the beauty in the busy, stressful and sometimes ugly.
It is stepping back to see how much there is to be thankful for and happy about every single day and to teach my kids to do the same.

Life lately is good.

Coming And Going

This week I have thought, at various times, about this little blog of mine.  Just sitting here.
Like I have nothing to say at all and no time to say it. Sometimes it does seem like that, other times I have so much to say I don't know where to start.
More often than not though, there are things in my head and on my heart and on the very tip of my tongue even,  that stay where they are because they are not for public viewing/reading/hearing.

You know those things you want to say and those days when you feel like there is literally not one person on this planet that understands you, or cares what you have to say anyway.
We all have those days.
When you feel silenced... misunderstood...alone...when you are moving along, keeping your mouth shut because you know it's the best thing to do. The days you don't even feel like trying, or explaining, the days when you know if you said these things out loud you would surely be deemed crazy, like officially.

I have a lot of those days but often they are just moments in my days...not full days.
Sometimes I miss the days of writing or typing, sharing and just getting it all out there, if only for myself--Because really it has always been just for myself, this space and these words and pictures.
It's for me.

So you keep going and there are good days and bad days...
There are days you want to start over, somewhere else where no one knows your name, and there are days when you know you couldn't do this if there wasn't someone around that did know your name, your story and your heart.
These days of coming and going and giving all you have and feeling certain it isn't enough, they are hard. But they are good, too.
There is always good, every single day and that is what I keep telling myself- Some days we need this reminder and some days we absolutely do not need it. It's okay to have both kinds of days.
It's okay to be a contradiction.
It's okay to be up and down, coming and going, hot and cold.
Most days I can't pretend to be anything else, I just don't have it in me.



And that is okay.

Creating Good Habits

If you need advice or tips on cultivating bad habits, I'm your girl...I can tell you exactly what NOT to do. If you are looking for a little cheer leading on breaking your own bad habits or starting new ones- again, I'm your girl.
The trouble I have is starting and sticking with my OWN good + positive habits and letting the negative ones go.

That is the tough part and that is the part I need the most work on right now. Lord help me.
I know I am not alone.

I always have the best intentions, and usually keep the majority of these intentions to myself I might add, because who wants everyone else to know when they fail? Not me. Not every time anyway.
And sometimes they last for a few days... Or a week... or less.
Sometimes I really do stick with them- that actually does happen sometimes.
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When school started this year I decided that I was going to make lunches ahead of time(the night before) because I absolutely did not want to be making two lunches every morning, or even think about lunches at all in the mornings anymore.
I decided I was going to prep everything for the kid's lunches on Sundays and that they would pack their own lunches every night before school and stick them in the fridge... And guess what?
I started that in AUGUST and we are still doing it. Seriously.
I realize the super-organized, prepared mom would laugh at me for thinking that is such a big deal, but for me it really is. It works, it is so much easier on me and + the kids and it actually makes my life easier. And I have stuck with it for like 6 whole months. That is an actual miracle.

Tomorrow is the first day of a new month and brings with it the chance for a fresh start, in many areas for me.
Back to setting my alarm extra early and for daily personal challenges this month.
I really wish that  just deciding that changes need to be made was enough for me- But it's not. I think it takes a lot of starting over, pep talks to ourselves and trying again and again.

A goal of mine is for more writing-for my own enjoyment, for keeping track and for accountability.

Hope you had a great weekend- And a great January!

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And Suddenly...Here We Are

You know how when your kids are younger and not sleeping so well, or they are in a real hard stage like tantrums, teething, potty training(the three worst!)...And you feel like this will always be your life and your kids will ALWAYS be in this stage and they will never grow out of it, you will never sleep normally again and you kinda want to jump out the window?
Yeah? Me, too...I so remember those days. Very well.
When someone with older kids would tell me to; "Just wait" or something along those lines referring to wait until they are moody preteens, wait until they are hard to handle teenagers, wait until instead of not sleeping, they are sleeping until noon... Somehow you kinda think those days will never come.
Like logically you know they will, but you feel like it will be twenty years away and no time at all in the near future.
Right? Or is it just me? Maybe denial?

I don't know why we think that way-Maybe it's just because the difficult stages really seem as though they will never end.
Maybe it's self-protection, I cannot get emotional about every new stage/change, everything they leave behind and every little new thing they become.
I mean, I would be in tears constantly. Right?
Suddenly we are entering that stage where things are changing, just ever so slightly, but you can feel it, and you can see it... Small changes.
My baby boy that was a teeny tiny 6lb 8 oz baby and stayed in under the fifth percentile for height until he was about six years old(or older) now reaches my nose. I know he will soon be taller than me! What? When did these things happen?
Sigh.
The annoying saying about the days being long and the years being short is oh-so true.
I was kinda hoping they were wrong.

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Happy Wednesday!

Baby Steps

My morning scene(the end of my morning quiet time, it is dark when I get up). Journal, pen, coffee.

In order for bigger change to occur(eventually) I have decided that I have to start making small changes every single day... One day they will all add up to something bigger...but he beginning always requires baby steps, somewhere to start.

I have started making changes to my morning routine, I am forming new habits sloooowly, in order to replace old ones. I don't think you can wake up one day and decide that everything in your life is wrong and you need to change everything this second in order to be happy and at peace.
Eh...maybe some people can, I don't know...But that would not work for me. It has to be slower and more deliberate or I think you immediately fall back into old routines and habits. You have to look at things and decide what is working and what isn't and WHY. What you can immediately change, what you can start working on and long + short-term goals.

So in the name of Making Lasting Changes and Baby Steps, here is what I am doing in the mornings...
*Waking up at least an hour before the kids.
*Writing first
*Not looking at social media(or email or anything else) until I do some writing
* Setting intentions for the day...What I want today to look like, what I don't want it to look like and how I can best get there.

^ This last small step seems pretty simple and kinda silly... But I think it might make the biggest difference in my days. Planning, thinking, setting intentions and remembering that I decide what today looks like is big for me. Other people and things do not decide the outcome of my days, I do.

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Happy Monday, Hope it is a great week for you!

On Dreaming Up New Jobs & New Lives...

I don't know if I would call this a problem so much, maybe it's an escape, maybe it's just a daydream.
Maybe it's me still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life.
There's nothing wrong with daydreams, or escaping temporarily and most of all, there is nothing wrong with continuing to always try and figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life.....Right?
{Let's just hope I am still not trying to figure this out in thirty years...}

My sister and I recently saw this house and later when I was editing the picture and getting a little bit better look at it, I started wondering about the house and it's history...
How old was it?

Who built it? 

What does the inside look like?

Who has lived in this house?

And then I thought that the coolest, most fun job ever would just be to explore different cities/places, find cool houses, take pictures of them, knock on the door, ask the owners if you can come inside and nose around while taking pictures and listening to their stories and history of these homes. 

How awesome would that be? 

I need this job, I think. Like....Now. 

I can just imagine what it would be like nosing through all the nooks + crannies, in the attics and the cellars, listening to stories and taking pictures of it all. 
So.much.fun.
My next immediate thought is- I would never really do that, I would die before knocking on a stranger's door, asking them to let me in and look around...How embarrassing. How rude. Nosey. Imposing. 

I hate that that is my first reaction as soon as I think of something that I would LOVE to do. 
Is that just me?
Human nature?
Personality? All of the above?
I kind of hate that part of my personality, although I do think everyone has it in them, just to different degrees and in different amounts. 
I always tell the kids they can do whatever they want, have 5 awesome careers they love- not just one, be who they are, travel, wait to go to college, follow their dreams, don't go to college...Whatever. 
Then I wonder if I have really followed any of my BIG dreams. 
And if not...Is it too late for me?

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Those are my Saturday morning thoughts.
These are the things always in my head--- there's a lot there, a lot more than I share here, or anywhere.
I will always be a work in progress and I will ALWAYS be trying to figure it out. 
And I think I am okay with that.

This Week In Pictures

A crazy, busy week.
That is what happens when there is something going on most weeknights(at least this week)and in the span of 8 days we have four family Birthdays- Wyatt, my mom, my dad and Charlotte.
Whew.
Just this weekend we squeezed in- five boys camping out in the backyard Friday night, my niece's homecoming Saturday, a soccer game, and dinner out to celebrate Wyatt's Birthday Saturday night.
The week was lots of running around + Birthday shopping, grocery shopping, soccer practice, a school celebration one afternoon, swimming lessons, present wrapping and a few early mornings of walking before work.
That is just way too much for me if you want the truth- But it's a busy season and all days and weeks are not like this one, thankfully.

One of my favorite things from this past week was deciding at the last minute to drive out to the country with the kids to see the eclipse.

We left at the last minute to be able to drive about 10-15 minutes and get a really good view of it away from a lot of lights/town...We made it.
We were already in our pajamas and all I really wanted to do was get in bed and read my book- But I am glad we went. Such a cool thing to see and I hope the kids remember these things when they are older, these simple, last minute things, the memories we are making and just spending time together.

In the midst of all the chaos I try to constantly remember to slow down, take a breath and appreciate where I am right now in the moment. Just breathe.
A lot of time it's not easy and it takes effort to push things out of my mind-the worry, the thoughts, anxieties and ugly stuff. A great reminder for me is taking pictures... Every single day.
Even if right now the pictures are just with my phone, it is a great way for me to appreciate the little things, to capture them and to remember what is really important to me amidst all the craziness and stress of daily life.

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Happy Sunday!

13 Of My Favorite Things{A List}

1. Mini cinnamon-sugar Fair-style donuts
2. Book stores-especially ones full of old, vintagey books
3. Sparklers(even in August)
4. Farmer's market flowers
5. Donuts made in my kitchen w/chocolate icing from a tub
6. New school shoes(Bonus points for high-tops)
7. New art supplies
8. This podcast. Oh, how I love Elizabeth Gilbert.
9. Driving through the country at sunset
10. Lemon shake-ups
11. This magazine. Absolutely beautiful photography and words.
12. Vanilla candles
13. Brick roads

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I could go on and on... But I'll stop there for today.
I'm still here. Still no laptop. Still only iPhone pictures.
Oh how I miss my big camera(although it seems to be on the fritz as well. When it rains, it pours, huh?)
I feel like I am missing a little bit of myself as silly as that may sound. It's true.

Happy, Happy Monday friends.

A Working Mama and her Summer Guilt

When you are not working(outside the home) Summer vacation is exciting and carefree and wide open and, let's be honest, often overwhelmingly long when you have kids home all Summer. 

I know that. 

But, when you are working and your kids are on Summer vacation it just goes way too fast, 

it's a little depressing and often guilt-filled, when you are the mom.

So last week I decided I was taking a day off of work and the kids and I were going to do something fun.  My idea of fun might have been laying in bed with a really good book all day and not getting out of my pajamas, but we really needed to get away from home and do something fun together.

Two things on our Summer List were to have a picnic at Allerton Park and go to the swimming pool where my sister lives and my niece works.
Luckily it was a hot, beautiful day and we got to wander around the park, have a picnic, pick up my nephew to go to the pool with us, swim for hours and then spend the night at my sister's.
For my kids, that is seriously like their DREAM day.

This park is beautiful, we love coming here, there is so much to see.
The sunken garden is one of my favorite spots and the kids find a million different things to climb on in there, naturally. Statues, flower gardens, koi fish pond, the mazes, the mansion... we definitely didn't see it all this time.

This was a really good day, the three of us had a lot of fun together and my mama guilt was eased, if only for a few days. Hey, I'll take it. 

I gave up on the illusion of the "perfect summer" and marking everything off of our Summer Lists a  long time ago... there are no perfect Summers or even perfect days and we always want the opposite situation from the one we are in. Or I do anyway... And I know I am not the only one.
If I am working I wish I wasn't, if I am home, the kids are driving me nuts and I am secretly dreaming of all of the jobs I could have that day...Usually jobs where arguing kids aren't allowed and I am not cleaning up anyone's mess but my own.

{Charlotte on the high dive, she said it was mortifying but she kept doing it anyway}

We don't get a lot of whole days like this and even if we did, all days are not like this, but man am I glad to have one every once in a while.
Watching them go off the high dive even when they are scared too, down the slide 50 times, hang out with their cousins, watching them being so nice and sweet and helpful to each other with no fighting and little threatening on my part. That is a damn good feeling.
Many days it's easy to feel like you are barely keeping it together, that you are surely ruining your kids. It's nice to have a day when you honestly feel like you aren't doing half bad and that yes, even though you are working and they aren't doing exactly what you wished they were doing every day...It's still okay.

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On Wednesday I got to tell the mama guilt to kiss my ass... what a nice feeling.

Happy Weekend!

One Hundred Days Without Pop

I can't even BELIEVE I just typed that. 

I have actually gone 100 days without pop(you say soda, I say pop...), as of last Wednesday, which means now I am at about 105 days.

I am seriously in shock because there's no way I thought I could do that... Like ever... 

No seriously, like ever-ever.
I know it sounds silly or like no big deal to people who don't get it, if you don't drink pop, just substitute your drink of choice/whatever habit you think you can't break and look at it from that point of view. My first goal was to make it for one week and then I just kept making another goal from there...
One week, thirty days, 45 days, until the next holiday, etc. until I got to 100 days.
Before I got to 100 days I told myself that once I made it there I would let myself have a Dr.Pepper(my drink of choice) and then only have them on occasion after that. I still haven't had one though.
I'm not even going to lie though, I have fantasized regularly about diving head first into a giant pool of Dr. Pepper. Naked.

For me, it's not like the desire to drink pop has gone away, it really hasn't and I don't think it will really.
It has lessened and obviously I know now that I can do it, but it still SOUNDS good.
You know how people will stop drinking diet coke or whatever and then they will be like;
"I never even wanted another one and now it's been 3 years...." Gag.
Yeah.... No. That's not me.
So I already drank a good amount of water anyway and I have just started drinking a lot more now.
I also make Crystal Light Peach Mango Green Tea because water just gets old all the time.
My new favorite and the reason I think I can go a while longer without drinking pop, is because of this, above.
THIS is what I have been missing, the fizzy carbonation and now I have it again in these La Croix drinks, they are just sparkling water with natural flavors and carbonation. Yum. Perfect.

So yeah, I am pretty proud of myself.
Usually I think I am going to try something like this and I last a week... maybe a little more, maybe less.
I always say that I have no will power and that I can't stick to anything... Because I usually can't...
But I just did.
My goal here wasn't to stop drinking pop forever, but to cut way back and to cut it out completely for a while because I thought that was necessary for me to be able to start having it only on occasion or as more of a "treat".
Before this I was not drinking it daily, maybe every other day to every few days, and just one a day when I did.
Now I would feel okay with myself if I did have a Dr. Pepper, i really would, but I think I am just going to hold out until I feel like I can't any longer, and I am just not there quite yet.

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Now I am thinking about what else I can do or not do for the next 100 days... I am thinking seriously on this. I have a little more confidence in myself than before now.
Have you cut out something or started doing something daily instead,  like this before?
Broke a tough habit or added a new healthier/better one?
I'm gonna think on this one...




Happy Monday to you!

A Little Bit Of Everything

Good morning. 
So it's Thursday which means it is almost Friday, which means... The weekend is just around the corner. That is a good thing because it's just been a bit of a rainy, dreary + somewhat depressing week and going back to work after a week off is never easy anyway.
I am up early this morning and let me just say that I am doing pretty damn good with the whole being able to get myself up and out of bed lately.
When I do get up early, I have been trying to get up by 5:20ish and I have to say that I feel really good when I do. It starts my whole day off right.
My next step is to actually get up, get out of my pajamas and exercise a couple mornings a week.
I'll get there, but man...that one is tough. Oh how I do love staying in my pajamas in my quiet house while everyone else is asleep.

This week there are so many little things and big things running around in my head- just life things.
Important and not important things, but there's a lot there, swirling around.
This is the time when I know it is good for me to get some quiet time to myself, to get some perspective. Away.
I thought vacation would do it- But come on now, what was I thinking?
Vacation is good for many, many reasons but rest, quiet and relaxation would not be one of them, unless you went on vacation alone. Right?

Last night Wyatt and I went to see Jurassic World, just the two of us.
Let me just say that this is not something I would normally go see, I actually don't even think that I have ever seen the first Jurassic Park all the way through- or maybe I have only seen previews?
Anyway, I knew Wyatt wanted to see it and it was a great night, just the two of us.
And the movie?
It was pretty entertaining and since it wasn't my usual kind of movie to see, I probably liked it even more.
Afterwards I asked Wyatt to indulge me in a country drive because it was almost sunset and I was looking for some wildflowers and it was the perfect evening for it. He did.

I love having time with just one of the kids, it's just different. And good.
He indulged me for quite some time and then of course I ended up driving wayyy farther than I planned to and eventually he put on his headphones and watched some of The Lone Ranger and I drove in silence for a while.

This beautiful sunset we saw and all the bunnies at sunset and driving down roads with cornfields on both sides and whatever was blooming that smelled so sweet.... was just perfect. All of it.
Last week when we were driving through the mountains I was so happy to see something other than cornfields and soybean fields and just something different. It was refreshing.
BUT last night I was happy to be able to see wide open flat land whee you can see the entire sunrise and sunset....and the fields and all of the memories I have attached to cornfields in general.
Silly childhood memories that make me smile.

On the hard days you have to look for little pieces of beauty where you can find it...
Even if that means in the tie-dye, sunburst oil puddle in the parking lot of the thrift store.
Gotta do what ya gotta do, right?

And lastly, my pitcher of wildflowers from the night before, cut hurriedly from the sides of the country roads.
These make me just too happy. I love the wildflowers that grow along the roadsides and if I lived in the country I would cut some for the house(and myself) every single day.
Also- If I keep getting up so early I think I am going to have to start having a second cup of coffee some days, usually I only have one.
By the time the kids get up and I am getting ready for work a few hours have passed already since my first cup and I find myself wanting a second.

If you are still reading here, thanks for reading.
Some days I have a million things to say, some days nothing, many days there are things I would like to share but don't... And still more days when I wonder if I want to continue writing/sharing here or not at all anyway.
Enough of my rambling though....
Have a great day!