Notes On Turning Forty :: Midlife Mess?

Friday, October 25, 2013

So you might know that I just turned forty in August.
Forty, you guys.
It still sounds really dumb when I say it.
Just so you know, I might actually be talking about this all year... like it may take an entire year to sink in, the fact that I am no longer 39(or 31, or 34... or...)
I still kind of hate 40, if I'm honest.
Maybe I'm scared of 40?
I can't quite put my finger on what it is exactly, but I don't think it is the number so much, but more just this stage in my life right now.
Don't worry, I'm not going to hate the whole decade or anything, I'm just slow to adjust I think...
I don't do so well with change, never have really.
It seems so silly until you're here... it's just a number after all(or so they say!)... but it's not.
I think if it wasn't me I might be rolling my eyes while saying; "Get over it". 
Yep, pretty sure I would.

When I just read that first paragraph back,  I think I sound like a big, fat  B R A T  so part of me really wants to delete it... but then I also want to
be honest because surely I am not the only one that feels this way.... Right??!
And if other people were honest then I would feel more normal too, I think.
I really wish more people would be honest with their struggles, here in the big crazy online world
and in "real life"... just stop the faking and hiding it already.

What I don't want this to sound like is that I hate my life... or that this is about my family, my husband or my kids, because it's not.
It's just about ME  and how I feel and how I am adjusting to this stage in my life...because really it's
not the number, it's the stage...  and it's new territory, in a weird way, just all of the sudden like that.

I wonder if it is normal to feel like crying over big things like my parent's health and my loved ones getting older and knowing some of them won't be around much longer, and then looking in the mirror and seeing the wrinkles and the that dumb line between my eyes that just keeps getting worse...
While having an overwhelming feeling to simultaneously hide under the covers for a month or until I feel like my "old self",   and/or runaway by myself for a month and talk to no one and have no one talk to me... to just disappear.

Do I sound crazy?
That's just how I feel lately.


Happy Friday friends, hope you're not bawling over wrinkles + stuff all weekend.


  1. xoxo I feel the same way at 43, so I am no help at all!

  2. I just turned 42. And for two years I have been accidentally adding a year to my age. All of last year I kept telling people I was 42 instead od 41! It was like my subconcious was trying to lessen the shock by tricking me into thinking I was older so I wouldn't be as freaked out when my husband reminded me I wasactually only 41. It must be a defence mechanism. The truth is, you turn forty and you feel exactly the same as you did in your thirties. So what really freaks me out is that I think it changes other people's (usually younger people's) perception of me when I actually feel no different.

  3. You don't sound crazy... you sound like someone struggling with the reality that life is short, that people we love will eventually be lost to us and that we're finite beings as well! We don't have unlimited time to waste - time in which we can just screw around. Instead of this reality launching us into fear or despair, you could use it as a catalyst to enjoy every minute of NOW, to make your life count, to telling people you love that you love them NOW. From what I've seen in your posts and with your children, you're doing that... give yourself a break - and enjoy the fact that you've been given another year!

  4. I just have to comment, because I just turned forty in May and I can relate to everything you just said right down to that darn vertical wrinkle (deep crevasse) that is now permanently between my eyes. Time just isn't stopping for any of us...


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