Deep Breaths...

deep breaths.

sometimes they work.

sometimes they don't.

meditating, closing your eyes, praying.

working, baking, reading...trying to keep yourself busy.

getting some fresh air.

sometimes it works.

sometimes it doesn't.
talking about it....or not talking about it.
sometimes it works.
sometimes it doesn't.

i have thought about this post many, many times.

to write or not to write....?

once you put personal, really personal, things out there, then....

they're out there.

really out there.

and i am opening myself up...

to be judged.

or not.

to be understood.

or not.

to help myself.

or not.

sometimes, in this blogging world, when you don't share the big things you feel
 like you are not telling the whole truth.

a big piece is being left out of my story.

and it's my choice to leave it out or not, i know that.

some things need to be put out there.

some don't.

sometimes it feels like exactly the right time.

and sometimes it just doesn't.

later, i might just decide to take it all back.

delete the post.

but for right now, i feel like it is the right time to put it out there.
for me.

this is what i do feel comfortable talking about right now:

anxiety and panic is a horrible thing to deal with. 

{i wanted to say it was a 5-letter word that rhymes with witch, because it is...but i didn't}

but it sucks.
really sucks.
bad.

so here i am, essentially outting myself.

maybe this will help me.

maybe it won't.

we'll see.

******
maybe this will be the first of other posts on this topic...
maybe it will be my first and last.
and just so this post does not sound totally and completely cryptic...
i wrote it last week and i'm finally deciding to post it this week.
this week is better, i am definitely moving in the right direction.

and the lilacs?
absolutely gorgeous while they lasted.