Deep Breaths...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

deep breaths.
sometimes they work.
sometimes they don't.
meditating, closing your eyes, praying.
working, baking, reading...trying to keep yourself busy.
getting some fresh air.
sometimes it works.
sometimes it doesn't.
talking about it....or not talking about it.
sometimes it works.
sometimes it doesn't.

i have thought about this post many, many times.
to write or not to write....?
once you put personal, really personal, things out there, then....
they're out there.
really out there.
and i am opening myself up...
to be judged.
or not.
to be understood.
or not.
to help myself.
or not.

sometimes, in this blogging world, when you don't share the big things you feel
 like you are not telling the whole truth.
a big piece is being left out of my story.
and it's my choice to leave it out or not, i know that.
some things need to be put out there.
some don't.
sometimes it feels like exactly the right time.
and sometimes it just doesn't.

later, i might just decide to take it all back.
delete the post.
but for right now, i feel like it is the right time to put it out there.
for me.
this is what i do feel comfortable talking about right now:
anxiety and panic is a horrible thing to deal with. 
{i wanted to say it was a 5-letter word that rhymes with witch, because it is...but i didn't}
but it sucks.
really sucks.

so here i am, essentially outting myself.
maybe this will help me.
maybe it won't.
we'll see.

maybe this will be the first of other posts on this topic...
maybe it will be my first and last.
and just so this post does not sound totally and completely cryptic...
i wrote it last week and i'm finally deciding to post it this week.
this week is better, i am definitely moving in the right direction.

and the lilacs?
absolutely gorgeous while they lasted.


  1. Praying for the anxiety and panic to decrease. You are not alone. I have a similar post about something that is a core shaker sitting in my draft box. Thanks for your courage.

  2. I have had 2 panic attacks, it's scary!!!
    I deal with anxiety as well. It's not fun and when it hits, it's debilitating.
    praying that you can work through it when it comes on or avoid situations that make them happen.

  3. Do what you have to in order to cope - write, post, breathe - what ever it takes, and try it all. Sending huggs your way my friend. Care to share the beautiful lilacs?

  4. you. my. dear. are. not. alone. I too have had one extremely embarrassing panic although I do not know your exact circumstance, just know you my friend ARE NOT ALONE!

    peace and love,

  5. oh, and I forgot to tell you how brave and awesome I think you are for posting this. May you find some comfort in sharing it and the comments of love I KNOW you will receive!

  6. First of all I want you to know you are not alone. I have these issues too, and the breathing, mediation, etc. help. Just remember to give yourself some slack, and RELAX. Everything works out one way or another. Letting go and letting the chips fall where they may is the first step. :-)

    Thank you for keeping it real and being brave enough to share. That's what a blog is all about, and as you can see from these posts you have a great support team rooting for you.


  7. Dude. I understand.
    I hope you feel a weight lifted by sharing this with all of us...

  8. Panic attacks are so scary - I've often wondered why we try so hard to hide them - when in sharing we can almost always find help and support.

  9. oh friend, you are brave to post this. and isn't that going directly against your enemys of anxiety and panic? you are a fighter. i am proud to know you.
    i am praying today.

  10. Beautiful pictures, Amy.

    Sometimes all of the above doesn't work, and we need to just be. Ok, this may seem strange, but it works for me. Sometimes I have to let what's bothering me simple consume me. Completely. But just for a moment. Then after that moment has passed, I breath, open my eyes, and know that I am stronger than what's in front of me.


  11. My dear, I love your honesty. It's why I anticipate your posts. You are not alone. And I hope huffing those gorgeous lilacs and putting it out to the world helps you some.

  12. Hope this post lifted your spirits and eased your pain, if only just a bit.
    We are here to listen when you are ready.
    Thinking of you!!!

  13. *hug*

    I know. I so know. It's a bitch indeed. I don't care. I just say it. But it's a part of you right now. And who cares if people judge. You are you. And you are beautiful.

  14. big hugs...i've had both. been on meds and everything. it is a hard thing to deal with and worse to admit, like you are flawed or something. i'm a big fan of keeping it real...way to go. i know it requires being brave...well done:)

  15. Hugs hugs and more hugs. I suffered from panic attacks, I thought they'd never go. There was no solution apart from time and support and I'm sure you have that. I just know that I read your blog each day and smile xo

  16. Over here too, my friend.

    BlogLand has been surprisingly supportive whenever I've put myself out there. I'm same the same will happen for you :-)

  17. awww man! it does get better - breathing helps. I think we all have these moments/days/weeks. Hang in there Chica!!!

  18. Oh dear. I am right there with you!! I want to cut and paste this right to my blog and Facebook status! I am realizing lately that no matter how much I pretend life is not all "Bliss and Folly."

    Hugs for a better day. Tam

  19. I am going through much the same feelings. So scary. And the physical things that show up because of it! It's hard to keep it inside. DON'T! You aren't alone!!

  20. hope that you are finding peace within.

    don't we all have our struggles? i am finding that out. no one has a perfect life.

    blessings to you on sharing your heart.

  21. Thank you all so much for your words and support, seriously, it means so much to me! XO

  22. This is a really lovely post, the words are so moving and powerful. I really hope things brighten up in your life for you soon, but these things are sent to try us and those that won't kill us can only make us stronger. Big virtual hug coming you way xxx

  23. Oh, Amy, you darling girl. Bravo you for having the courage to share this. Know you're definitely not alone. Sending you a Hobart ♥ J x

  24. So sorry you are dealing with are so strong & brave to write about it. Praying for are not alone!

  25. p.s the photos of the lilacs? GORGEOUS!!

  26. so importnat to process all those step at a time. Your words are so real and many of us can relate.Lilacs are my favorite...still waiting for ours to bloom!

  27. Glad to hear you're feeling better now!
    Anxiety and panic do grip all of us at some point or the other, and you're not alone. Writing about it does help. :)

    The lilacs are lovely! :)

  28. amazing post amy- it is so hard to take that extra you say when it is out, well it's out...
    panic attacks & anxiety are not yours alone hon...
    it's one day at a time...really acknowledging these feelings and then letting just some of them slow and daunting as that process may sound...

    we are all here for you as you know...thinking of you this weekend dear friend...melissa xxx

  29. Wow. Glad you outed yourself here. And ironic: just yesterday I posted about Fear. I was having as close to a panic attack as I ever want to come concerning my daughter's safety. Check it out. Hopefully it'll help in some way.

  30. I've struggled with this, too, on and off. And like you said, sometimes all of the things you listed, they are enough. But sometimes, they aren't. Prayers for strength and peace, friend.

  31. I have a lot of things I don't feel quite comfortable sharing, but i think your honesty helps a lot of people...just knowing that you're not alone...

  32. Come on over. We can tackle it together.

    I have some Valium. When that doesn't work we can just sit around in our underwear drinking that cheap beer.

    Welcome to Krazy Town.

    Hugs to you, honey.

  33. I think it is so wonderful that you feel comfortable enough to put it out there. It is scary, making something so personal so public. But to me, that is part of what I love most about blogging...that little supportive community you gain and reach a level where you do feel comfortable to talk about it. Just like talking with a good group of friends.

  34. I think this is a lovely, thoughtful and honest post. I am glad you shared. I also liked how you interspersed it with the beautiful lilac photos (ours are just starting to bloom here in CT). I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety (although thankfully I have never had a full-fledged panic attack, which I imagine must be pretty scary). I think that when you open up in a real way like you did in your post, that you realize that other people share your struggles and you realize you're not alone. I can see from the comment thread that people have responded positively and with kind words and prayers. Thanks for your honesty and hang in there!


leave me a know you wanna.