I don't know if I believe this.
Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I don't. 
The older I get the more I realize this, I do not  have all the answers, usually just more questions.
A friend sent me this card last month in the middle of my 
crazy-anxiety filled-nervous break down period.  
The card made me feel better, whether I believed the message or not right in that moment.

{And speaking of the craziness, I fully intend to do a follow-up post on how I am doing with all of that but then get tired of thinking about myself and my problems and talking about myself and
then can't seem to finish the post}

One night last week my boy was awake in his room trying to fall asleep and I was
 laying upstairs on my bed reading.
He kept talking to me from his room and he was telling me that some day he might want to 
get on stage and be in a band or play an instrument but he thinks he would have stage fright but he really might wan to, but he hasn't decided yet....
and then he said (and I wrote it down so I would never forget); 

"I think that art and music is just inside me.
 I have always admired music since I was born."

He is six years old, you guys. Six.
Sometimes I feel like he is so wise beyond his years, an old soul. 
I love this boy so, so much..and not just because I am his mother and I am supposed to but
because he is a good, sweet, kind, funny boy.
Later on I could not sleep (as a result of the above mentioned craziness) and laid there thinking about 
the kids and life and myself and my family and whether or not I locked the back door and
all those things you think of when you can't sleep.
I was thinking back to before I was pregnant with Wyatt. We tried for several years to get pregnant and went through a lot to get our little boy. Back then the worst part of all of that was not just that 
we wanted a baby and didn't have one, it was that we did not know if we ever would/could have a baby
The not knowing, the uncertainty was tough, really tough.

When I think back to that time and then look at my life today and Wyatt, a part of me wishes so badly that I could have trusted back then that things would work out, that maybe
 everything DOES happen for a reason. I wish I could have understood that then but you know
 what they say about hindsight.  If I had gotten pregnant on one of the first procedures I would not have Wyatt. Sure,  I might have had another baby, but it wouldn't be Wyatt, this sweet boy who says the wisest things and who has brought so much happiness into our lives for the last 6 1/2 years.
Maybe everything does happen for a reason.
Maybe I don't know the reasons and don't have the answers, just more questions,
 and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be.
Just maybe.

Was that a bit much for a Wednesday morning? Well, that's what insomnia does to me I guess.
As my birthday approaches and I realize I will be yet another year older, and a little closer to
 being too damn old,  I can't stop thinking about one more baby.
Just one more,either biologically or by adoption.
The difference this time is that I know in my heart if it is meant to be one will come to us, one way or another, if it's not meant to be we will be happy as a family of four.
And I honestly believe that. I don't know what the future holds and I can't control
everything and I don't have all the answers.
I have to believe in something bigger than me, whatever that may be.
Before Wyatt and even before Charlotte I would not been able to honestly say this, now I can.
Growth is a good thing...and getting older isn't all bad I guess.


  1. Oh Amy, I fully agree!! When I was going through all my miscarriage hell before I had Lily, it was the notion that the baby for me is out there, and once I meet that baby I'll know that it will all be worth it. If any of those lost babies were to be born, then I never would have the ones that I have now. And seriously, after 4 miscarriages, I NEVER thought that I'd be having a 4th baby. Never.

  2. what a sweet comment, so very old soul....beautiful boy!

    I have wanted more babies for years. my oldest is 11.5 and my youngest will be TEN in July and it hasn't happened for us. Everything happens for a reason, I do believe that...I just wasn't meant to have more than two...oh how I wish I were though. I want another baby so badly!
    Adoption isn't an option for us since my hubby is past the age limit for adoption and with me at almost 41 the window for being pregnant is over also!
    I hope you get your wish/dream of having a 3rd!

  3. Wow, what a deep post..you can tell how wonderful of a mother you are Amy, to truly appreciate your children. I think most of us go thru a stage where we wonder what the right number of children is for us.. you are not alone on that! i agonized over it for quite a few years! happy upcoming bday..enjoy and relax!! hugs, cathy

  4. i'm not sure if i believe that, either, but somehow everything you said made perfect sense. xo

  5. Thanks for this post, Amy. I needed it today. We have struggled with infertility for 9 years now. We were so blessed and fortunate to adopt our son, Noah, almost 5 years ago as a newborn. It was the greatest blessing of our lives.

    But now, we are knee-deep in the adoption process {roller-coaster}
    and it can be so discouraging at times. I want so badly to be the mother to more children that my heart literally aches some days (like today). I am trying my best to keep the faith--to "know" in my heart that God does really know what is best for us and our families. Some days it is easier than others to believe this.

    Your post was a nice reminder for me to keep that faith and trust.

    Best wishes to you in your journey to grow your family. Love your blog!


  6. I love reading your posts Amy. Yes, I do believe things happen for a reason. It's nice to believe it anyway I think. Wyatt does look such a sweetheart :)

  7. insomnia is wicked -- ugh, i hope you find zzz's soon. i'm one to not embrace the saying on the card, but i understand how it supports some people. i think people say it for comfort and it's a catch-all when there probably aren't any words to match. i've heard so many stories from children and adults in my practice and there is a bigger part of me that can't believe that such traumatic, vengeful things happened for a reason?

  8. you are beautiful, inside and out. i will be praying for you and the possibility of growing your family!

  9. i'm feeling so like this right now. we have 3 kids and i can't figure out if i want another one because i don't want it to be over...or if we're really supposed to or what?!
    but i DO happen to believe that everything happens for a reason. if we're gonna believe what scriptures say and they say that "He works ALL things together for his sake" i think that means ALL things. i don't believe we have to understand it all. and most times we won't. i think as women we want answers, clarity, black and white, a "for sure" but that's not always going to happen. because God is God and the Dude does what He wants! so...that's my comment. longest one ever, i'm sure!
    hang in there, amy. i know God will show you (and me) the answers if we're quiet enough, long enough to hear it.


  10. i like you.
    you are a thinker.
    i like that.
    what if you somehow had two more babies?
    what about that?
    would that be crazy?
    or awesome.
    just a thought.
    since you never know.

    your boy is just like you, i bet.
    a thinker.
    it's a good and bad thing all at once, huh?
    don't you just get the feeling all the time that you totally get your kid and where he's coming from, but then that is a really scary thought because he'll probably grow up to be just like you?

    thanks for sharing yourself, amy.

  11. ok i just have to say. there is a big difference between saying "everything happens for a reason" and "God causes all things to work together for the good." the 2nd one is true, but in the first statement, it is implying that the "reasons" are good ones, and possibly from God. well, of course God causes certain things to happen for a reason. but there is also brokenness and sickness and horrible evil in the world. God doesn't make any of that happen. those bad "reasons" are still out there, causing bad things to happen as well. the only promise we have to lean on is that if we trust in the Lord, He uses ALL of it - good and bad - for our good. and THAT is something i fully believe. wish our boys could have a playdate :) hugs.

  12. What a beautiful, deep post! And it gives me so much to think about.

    It is truly hard to know if things really do happen for a reason, or whether we just assign reasons to circumstances later as some form of post-trauma comfort. (Since most people say this after something bad has happened, right? We tend to act as though good things happen to us because we did the right things to cause it; and bad things happen because of something external to us, it seems.)

    Whether we believe it or not, though, one thing I seem to be coming to accept as I get older is: everything will work itself out in the end. I get so caught up in anxiety and frustration when I feel a lack of control over my circumstances. But in every instance, when I look back at it, it seems like all that anxiety didn't do much and everything worked itself out.

    I think, at root, it is true. It may not work out like you expect or hope, but it does work itself out until you find equilibrium again. And I think, what that says, more than anything else, is something wonderful about the indomitable power of the human spirit.

    And maybe you don't have to regret the time that was hard, for without it, not only would you not have Wyatt... you would not have this profound sense of gratitude you feel now. I can well imagine it might have helped shape you into the wonderful mother you are now. Not to say you wouldn't have been a wonderful mother...but it may have helped make you YOU, precisely as you are.

  13. What a beautiful post. It's funny how we all look at things though. I always find your posts so inspirational. Your children are gorgeous and so lovely, they seem to say the cutest things and you only have yourselves to thank for that. I think you have both done an amazing job and you have 2 very lucky children to have you both as parents xxx

  14. ahhhhh...you guys are full of wonderful and wise things. truly, you are. i love to hear what you all have to say because i always take something away from your comments. thank you for that!!!

  15. Wow, I got goosebumps reading this post!! Just beautiful. What an amazing little boy.
    Star Hughes Living

  16. Oh goodness Amy i can sooooo relate!:)
    you got some wonderful words of wisdom here.
    Praying for you
    You are a wonderful mama!!


leave me a comment...you know you wanna.