I don't know if I believe this.
Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I don't. 

The older I get the more I realize this, I do not  have all the answers, usually just more questions.

A friend sent me this card last month in the middle of my 

crazy-anxiety filled-nervous break down period.  

The card made me feel better, whether I believed the message or not right in that moment.

{And speaking of the craziness, I fully intend to do a follow-up post on how I am doing with all of that but then get tired of thinking about myself and my problems and talking about myself and
then can't seem to finish the post}

One night last week my boy was awake in his room trying to fall asleep and I was

 laying upstairs on my bed reading.

He kept talking to me from his room and he was telling me that some day he might want to 

get on stage and be in a band or play an instrument but he thinks he would have stage fright but he really might wan to, but he hasn't decided yet....

and then he said (and I wrote it down so I would never forget); 

"I think that art and music is just inside me.
 I have always admired music since I was born."

He is six years old, you guys. Six.

Sometimes I feel like he is so wise beyond his years, an old soul. 

I love this boy so, so much..and not just because I am his mother and I am supposed to but
because he is a good, sweet, kind, funny boy.

Later on I could not sleep (as a result of the above mentioned craziness) and laid there thinking about 

the kids and life and myself and my family and whether or not I locked the back door and

all those things you think of when you can't sleep.

I was thinking back to before I was pregnant with Wyatt. We tried for several years to get pregnant and went through a lot to get our little boy. Back then the worst part of all of that was not just that 

we wanted a baby and didn't have one, it was that we did not know if we ever would/could have a baby. 

The not knowing, the uncertainty was tough, really tough.

When I think back to that time and then look at my life today and Wyatt, a part of me wishes so badly that I could have trusted back then that things would work out, that maybe

 everything DOES happen for a reason. I wish I could have understood that then but you know
 what they say about hindsight.  If I had gotten pregnant on one of the first procedures I would not have Wyatt. Sure,  I might have had another baby, but it wouldn't be Wyatt, this sweet boy who says the wisest things and who has brought so much happiness into our lives for the last 6 1/2 years.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason.

Maybe I don't know the reasons and don't have the answers, just more questions,
 and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be.
Just maybe.

*****

Was that a bit much for a Wednesday morning? Well, that's what insomnia does to me I guess.
As my birthday approaches and I realize I will be yet another year older, and a little closer to
 being too damn old,  I can't stop thinking about one more baby.
Just one more,either biologically or by adoption.
The difference this time is that I know in my heart if it is meant to be one will come to us, one way or another, if it's not meant to be we will be happy as a family of four.
And I honestly believe that. I don't know what the future holds and I can't control
everything and I don't have all the answers.
I have to believe in something bigger than me, whatever that may be.
Before Wyatt and even before Charlotte I would not been able to honestly say this, now I can.
Growth is a good thing...and getting older isn't all bad I guess.