Amy Vs. The World /// A Trip To Crazytown

So my title might sound a wee bit dramatic, but that's just pretty much exactly how I am feeling today.
Do you know what I mean?
Like nothing is quite right, everyone and everything is against me and I can do absolutely nothing right.
I might just be the worst parent around, am most definitely the world's worst spouse, I don't seem to know where to go or
what to do next and even the simplest of things seem just a little bit too overwhelming.

Don't worry, I know it's not true, not really anyway... that's just how I am feeling.
It's just one of those days where you wish you could vanish into thin air....go far, far away where you know no one
and no one will look at you, speak to you or even notice that you are there.
Or crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there for days.
Days.

I feel like crying and I'm not sure why... I am trying my best to hold it together.
Because sometimes you feel like if you start you just may not stop.
The anxiety is creeping around but not actually there yet... and in the back of my mind I wonder how
long until the cycle of anxiety, panic + sleepless nights are back.

This, my friends, is what going off of your anti-anxiety medication looks like.
This isn't the result I was hoping for.
It took a couple of weeks to get here and I(maybe much too)foolishly thought that maybe this is
NOT where I would be.... not how I would feel.
That it was possible to be just fine without it, that I am bigger than the anxiety and "stronger"
than it, too.
That I could deal with it alone or that it really was "better".... or gone, at bay... that it's not as much
of an issue anymore.

>>>>>>>>>>>

This is what I know, right now, today : 
If I want everyone else to know that it is okay to admit that you are battling with anxiety, panic attacks, depression- or with
anything at all that might make you feel bad, weak or "less than"... that it is nothing to be ashamed of, there is nothing
wrong with you and you are not alone.
I need to own it + say it out loud,  because this is my story, too.

I will get past this little bad patch, I know I will.
And I also know that, unfortunately,  this will not be the last one.
I am lucky enough to have a few very good friends that understand, sympathize, listen + don't judge me or think
that I am completely crazy.
Even if I feel like it sometimes.

Tomorrow is a new day.
And for that I am grateful.
Very grateful.

>>>>>>>>

Source: housetweaking.com via Amy on Pinterest

{ Related Crazytown Posts :: here , here , here , here }

Deep Breaths :: Part 1,368

So, in reality I have not written all that many posts on this topic but I feel like I have.
I have written so many in my head, tried to write them on paper, attempted to type them but
couldn't find the words....and sometimes didn't want to find the words.
I have felt embarrassed, misunderstood, crazy, scared, frustrated, lost and alone over the last year.
I have also felt understood, loved, a bit normal, at peace and at times very hopeful.
One one hand I feel like I have come so far in the last six-nine months and on the other hand I
feel like I still have so far to go.

This has all been on my mind a lot lately because things started on a downhill spiral right around
Easter last year.
It was a one-way ticket to Crazytown.
The other night I sat on the front porch at night after the kids went to bed and remembered that this
time last year I could not sleep, like at all, and I would sit on the porch at all hours of the night and morning worrying, wondering what was wrong with me and when it was going to end.
Anxiety and panic wreaked havoc on me, literally.
I was in a cycle of anxiety, panic attacks and no sleep and I could not get myself out of it.
I had my first real experience with insomnia and developed a serious appreciation and
understanding of people that deal with insomnia on a regular basis.
It's hard to function on little to no sleep, like really hard.
It sucks.

It is hard for others to understand anxiety and panic and like many things, I think the terms and diagnosis are over-used,  generalized and misunderstood.
Besides feeling ashamed for having a "problem" I couldn't handle or fix myself, I also felt guilty for
being so weak.
Yes, the guilt...that was a big one.
And shame.
I felt like this made me some kind of hypochondriac or drama queen.
I was actually going to the doctor because my hands, face, arms and leg were going numb yet
my doctor was telling me it was all anxiety-related.
Here's the thing: I kind of pride myself on not being whimpy, definitely not a hypochondriac
or a drama queen, thank you very much.
I had my first baby with no medication, by choice, and hoped to do it the second time around
the same way.
I have had kidney stones several times(and just so ya know, kidney stones run a damn close race
with labor for pain) surgery for kidney stones and a couple other surgeries.
How could this all be anxiety?

Some of my thoughts were a little like this;
What about the people that are dealing with real problems? 
Losing children and spouses and parents and  jobs and battling serious illnesses...
What gives me the right to completely melt down over what I consider a "silly" problem?
If I can't handle this myself how will I be able to handle more serious things in the future?
Does everyone in my generation have problems? Are we all making excuses for things we should
be able to toughen up and handle ourselves?

It is difficult on so many levels to try and explain this to other people, let alone family and friends
that think you should be able to snap out of it yourself or that there are solutions as simple as
taking a walk(thanks, mom) or just 'trying not to worry about it'.
It's frustrating but I don't expect everyone to understand just like I don't understand what those
dealing with depression and countless other things are going through.
In my real life, and sometimes here, I do joke about being crazy, I am a bit of a smart-ass and
laughing/making fun of myself is how I deal.
Also, I joke about my mom telling me to take a walk but she really thought that was the solution
because she just didn't understand.
That being said, I am not crazy and neither is anyone else dealing with this, just so ya know.

I know this might seem to be a little all over the place but there is a lot I have to say on this topic
but what I want to say today, right now, is that if you are dealing with something like this(or
something completely unlike this) you are not alone and things can and will get better.
This is not something I am just going to "get over", there is no simple solution, but things are
so much better than they were last summer and for that I am so grateful.

*{Related Crazytown  posts :: here, here, here and here}


There, that feels a little better for some reason.
Hope you all are having a great day...tomorrow is Friday already.
I better start doubling up on my coffee--I will be at The Hunger Games at midnight tonight! : )
Wooohooo!

Oh, these two.

They drive me absolutely freakin' crazy.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Except I really do need that margarita machine installed in my kitchen. 

Like, STAT.

Anyone....anyone?

***

But it's Friday and the end of the week is in sight...finally.

We have big plans this morning though, which includes:

getting the newspaper, stopping at the donut shop for a bag of donuts to go and getting

 our Rummage Sale on. The kids each have one whole dollar burning a hole

 in their pockets. Wish us luck!

I don't know if I believe this.
Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I don't. 

The older I get the more I realize this, I do not  have all the answers, usually just more questions.

A friend sent me this card last month in the middle of my 

crazy-anxiety filled-nervous break down period.  

The card made me feel better, whether I believed the message or not right in that moment.

{And speaking of the craziness, I fully intend to do a follow-up post on how I am doing with all of that but then get tired of thinking about myself and my problems and talking about myself and
then can't seem to finish the post}

One night last week my boy was awake in his room trying to fall asleep and I was

 laying upstairs on my bed reading.

He kept talking to me from his room and he was telling me that some day he might want to 

get on stage and be in a band or play an instrument but he thinks he would have stage fright but he really might wan to, but he hasn't decided yet....

and then he said (and I wrote it down so I would never forget); 

"I think that art and music is just inside me.
 I have always admired music since I was born."

He is six years old, you guys. Six.

Sometimes I feel like he is so wise beyond his years, an old soul. 

I love this boy so, so much..and not just because I am his mother and I am supposed to but
because he is a good, sweet, kind, funny boy.

Later on I could not sleep (as a result of the above mentioned craziness) and laid there thinking about 

the kids and life and myself and my family and whether or not I locked the back door and

all those things you think of when you can't sleep.

I was thinking back to before I was pregnant with Wyatt. We tried for several years to get pregnant and went through a lot to get our little boy. Back then the worst part of all of that was not just that 

we wanted a baby and didn't have one, it was that we did not know if we ever would/could have a baby. 

The not knowing, the uncertainty was tough, really tough.

When I think back to that time and then look at my life today and Wyatt, a part of me wishes so badly that I could have trusted back then that things would work out, that maybe

 everything DOES happen for a reason. I wish I could have understood that then but you know
 what they say about hindsight.  If I had gotten pregnant on one of the first procedures I would not have Wyatt. Sure,  I might have had another baby, but it wouldn't be Wyatt, this sweet boy who says the wisest things and who has brought so much happiness into our lives for the last 6 1/2 years.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason.

Maybe I don't know the reasons and don't have the answers, just more questions,
 and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be.
Just maybe.

*****

Was that a bit much for a Wednesday morning? Well, that's what insomnia does to me I guess.
As my birthday approaches and I realize I will be yet another year older, and a little closer to
 being too damn old,  I can't stop thinking about one more baby.
Just one more,either biologically or by adoption.
The difference this time is that I know in my heart if it is meant to be one will come to us, one way or another, if it's not meant to be we will be happy as a family of four.
And I honestly believe that. I don't know what the future holds and I can't control
everything and I don't have all the answers.
I have to believe in something bigger than me, whatever that may be.
Before Wyatt and even before Charlotte I would not been able to honestly say this, now I can.
Growth is a good thing...and getting older isn't all bad I guess.