Lucky Number13: Keeping It Real

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I have a confession.
I have started this post in my mind one hundred times, or something like that.
I just haven't been able to write it....for several reasons.
I don't want to be judged.
I don't want to sound like a whiny brat.
I don't really want to admit that I have always kind of known that the silver lining to this time in my life might just be the bit
of freedom I would have to do do that one awesome thing I always wanted to do...
AND now it's here and I have done absolutely nothing with it.
I am embarrassed that other people, maybe like you, with little kids at home all day, are thinking "Well, I wish I had that problem..."
or "Must be nice..." while rolling your eyes at me.
It's okay, I would totally do it, too.
Wait-- I think I do. To myself.

I feel stuck.
Like, life-stuck.
In my life, with my life... I feel stuck. There, I said it.
Not stuck as in I Want Out .... but stuck as in I am kind of frozen in one spot, not moving and not sure
where to go/what to do next... that kind of stuck. It really kinda sucks. A whole, whole lot.

I am at the end of my 30's, which is scary...my baby is in kindergarten... I am not working... I'm not sure what I want to do with
my life... and I am not having any more kids.
Ouch.
Throw into the mix that I have now been off of my anxiety/panic medication for 3-4 months now and you have got one
Big, Fat Ugly Mess.
I have been jokingly(and not-so-jokingly) been saying that I am having a mid-life crisis and after doing a little reading on it
and understanding that this is a "normal transitional period" in my life, is making me feel a little bit better, maybe a little
less dumb....just a little.

The funny(and kind of sad) thing is that if I was talking to a friend I would point out that; this is normal and not to be ashamed
and of course you're not ungrateful for your life and Yes, I do understand...No, you're not crazy-Well, maybe a little but
it's the good kind of crazy..."
But it is different when it is YOU, huh?
It shouldn't be, but it is.
As women we are so hard on ourselves, I know I am guilty of it for sure.
Why do we do it?
Really. Why?

/////////

The good thing...
It's a transitional period, right?
Which means it won't last forever, right?
I mean that's what they say(whoever they are) and I'm banking on it.
It's gotta be true.

9 comments:

AnonymousApril 3, 2013 at 2:09 AM
Hi Amy, I love your blog and truly appreciate your honesty about this.
DawnApril 3, 2013 at 7:59 AM
oh so real... and brave.

i would give the smae advice to someone that you would... but i know that stuck-ness well, and know that even if it is normal, it doesn't feel good, it still feels... hopeless.

is there a place you love that you could volunteer a few hours? work a few hours? just something... fun? my mom volunteers at our local zoo and OH-OH-OH i want to, too. but right now, i can't make it work. but last fall i seriously thought about taking a few hours at bath & bodyworks... just for fun. just to be able to laugh with a few people for a few minutes... to be in an environment that was light. just to do something that was for... me.

i wish you a day that shines a glimmer of hope...
Valley GirlApril 3, 2013 at 1:32 PM
Well dear...my youngest daughter just turned two...I am already preemptively worrying about worrying about what I will do with myself/life/work/carrer/family when she goes to kindergarten. I have to work every single day to run off those pesky thoughts that want to fill up the room and drown me. It's totally irrational...I know. But it happens. Obviously some days are better than others, but I don't want to live that way. This is a transition that not a lot of moms talk about. I don't know why. So from a mom that is a couple steps behind you...thanks for talking...we're in this together us moms. Smiles to you today.
heatherruarkApril 3, 2013 at 3:35 PM
xoxoxoxoxo
Me too, I feel kinda stuck. I started working a few days a week for a good friend and I feel a little better. There are still those moments though...I think maybe we all must go through it. I'm glad it's not just me, because it can make a person feel a lil crazy, huh?.
Struggling for Ever AfterApril 3, 2013 at 8:07 PM
Of course you do. It IS a big change. But trust and you will find your something...
Nuts about foodApril 4, 2013 at 3:04 AM
Transitions take time; your life now is different from the life of the past decade or so... being pregnant, having little kids at home. Don't blame yourself for not knowing immediately what you want to do with that new life. You are already asking yourself questions, facing the situation... so no, you are not really stuck. You are processing.
UnknownApril 4, 2013 at 6:53 AM
it IS a transitional period and it WILL get better. no worries, friend. I think we all have really dry times, really boring times, really blah times, and really stuck times. they usually come right before something POPS and then we've got all this stuff going on and we forget all about the 'stuck' time. keep truckin.
pakostaApril 4, 2013 at 10:40 AM
i remember well this feeling when mine went off to school and now they are 11 and 13 and I feel still stuck! the crazy thing is now with michael's cancer, it's MADE me figure things out and that may be a good thing, not sure yet>
hugs~
love,
t
Sarah B HeathApril 11, 2013 at 11:43 AM
I never comment on blogs of people I don't know, except for yours. I found your blog by accident. However, I relate to you so much it's crazy. I also feel I'm having a mid-life crisis. Been a SAHM for 5 years and it's been the hardest and best years of my life. Now my daughter is in preK 3 full days a week I wonder what the heck to do now. There's always something to "do", but I'm not earning a paycheck and it's scary to think of going back to work and feeling incompetent and old. I love your honesty, it's such a relief to know someone else is feeling the same way! Your blog is so lovely, and that is something awesome that means something to others :)