Yesterday morning got off to a bit of a rough start.
It was Monday first of all, so it already had that going against it...
But I woke up early(too early really) and had time to just lay in bed for quite a while and think and just wake up and be ready for the
day without rushing or oversleeping.
I remember laying there thinking that this was the perfect way to start the day.
But somehow things went from just fine to not, in no time at all... And I do know that my actions or reactions sometimes perpetuate these things
or at the very least make them worse, you know, and go from not great to really shitty in 0.2 seconds.
That's what happened. It happens.
I heard fighting downstairs and after lots of talking and them pretending to listen yesterday and the day before, I lost it.
There was no screaming but I did yell and lectured and then I was really grouchy and mad.
And then of course it was time for the kids to leave for Vacation Bible School and for me to go to work and I left feeling like the worst mom
ever, that is obviously doing E V E R Y T H I N G
wrong or else my kids wouldn't be fighting and I wouldn't be losing my temper and I wouldn't feel like crying on the way to work.
I didn't, because I actually put make-up on and wore a skirt so I wasn't about to cry.
Mostly I was mad.
And then I am mad that I am mad.
I get mad at myself for things that could have been avoided had I given it a few more minutes, been just a little more patient,
been a little more organized and not stressed about
getting out the door late.
Then there are the times that no matter what you do, someone might just be in a grouchy mood, or tired or whatever, and there is absolutely
nothing I can do about that.
When I have these mornings or days or evenings or weeks, it's really hard not to think of all the ways I am failing.
Because there are so, SO many.
I'm failing in the patience department.
I am failing at the organization thing.
I am failing at the working outside the home thing.
I am failing in the laundry and cooking department and pretty much anything and everything in the house.
I could give you a list a mile long of my shortcomings and sometimes only come up with a couple of things that I am doing right
or even just semi-good.
I think this is normal.
Motherhood can be defeating.
It's a roller coaster.
It's my most important job.
But it's not the only thing I am or the only person I am.
And that can be so overwhelming at times.
Thank goodness that tomorrow is a brand new day.
And we all have another chance.
To do better or do it over or to just another day to give ourselves a little more of a break.