Deep Breaths :: Part 1,368

Thursday, March 22, 2012

So, in reality I have not written all that many posts on this topic but I feel like I have.
I have written so many in my head, tried to write them on paper, attempted to type them but
couldn't find the words....and sometimes didn't want to find the words.
I have felt embarrassed, misunderstood, crazy, scared, frustrated, lost and alone over the last year.
I have also felt understood, loved, a bit normal, at peace and at times very hopeful.
One one hand I feel like I have come so far in the last six-nine months and on the other hand I
feel like I still have so far to go.

This has all been on my mind a lot lately because things started on a downhill spiral right around
Easter last year.
It was a one-way ticket to Crazytown.
The other night I sat on the front porch at night after the kids went to bed and remembered that this
time last year I could not sleep, like at all, and I would sit on the porch at all hours of the night and morning worrying, wondering what was wrong with me and when it was going to end.
Anxiety and panic wreaked havoc on me, literally.
I was in a cycle of anxiety, panic attacks and no sleep and I could not get myself out of it.
I had my first real experience with insomnia and developed a serious appreciation and
understanding of people that deal with insomnia on a regular basis.
It's hard to function on little to no sleep, like really hard.
It sucks.

It is hard for others to understand anxiety and panic and like many things, I think the terms and diagnosis are over-used,  generalized and misunderstood.
Besides feeling ashamed for having a "problem" I couldn't handle or fix myself, I also felt guilty for
being so weak.
Yes, the guilt...that was a big one.
And shame.
I felt like this made me some kind of hypochondriac or drama queen.
I was actually going to the doctor because my hands, face, arms and leg were going numb yet
my doctor was telling me it was all anxiety-related.
Here's the thing: I kind of pride myself on not being whimpy, definitely not a hypochondriac
or a drama queen, thank you very much.
I had my first baby with no medication, by choice, and hoped to do it the second time around
the same way.
I have had kidney stones several times(and just so ya know, kidney stones run a damn close race
with labor for pain) surgery for kidney stones and a couple other surgeries.
How could this all be anxiety?

Some of my thoughts were a little like this;
What about the people that are dealing with real problems? 
Losing children and spouses and parents and  jobs and battling serious illnesses...
What gives me the right to completely melt down over what I consider a "silly" problem?
If I can't handle this myself how will I be able to handle more serious things in the future?
Does everyone in my generation have problems? Are we all making excuses for things we should
be able to toughen up and handle ourselves?

It is difficult on so many levels to try and explain this to other people, let alone family and friends
that think you should be able to snap out of it yourself or that there are solutions as simple as
taking a walk(thanks, mom) or just 'trying not to worry about it'.
It's frustrating but I don't expect everyone to understand just like I don't understand what those
dealing with depression and countless other things are going through.
In my real life, and sometimes here, I do joke about being crazy, I am a bit of a smart-ass and
laughing/making fun of myself is how I deal.
Also, I joke about my mom telling me to take a walk but she really thought that was the solution
because she just didn't understand.
That being said, I am not crazy and neither is anyone else dealing with this, just so ya know.

I know this might seem to be a little all over the place but there is a lot I have to say on this topic
but what I want to say today, right now, is that if you are dealing with something like this(or
something completely unlike this) you are not alone and things can and will get better.
This is not something I am just going to "get over", there is no simple solution, but things are
so much better than they were last summer and for that I am so grateful.

*{Related Crazytown  posts :: hereherehere and here}

There, that feels a little better for some reason.
Hope you all are having a great day...tomorrow is Friday already.
I better start doubling up on my coffee--I will be at The Hunger Games at midnight tonight! : )


  1. Thanks for putting words to your feelings. This week a friend called who is going through some of the same things. (For the record, I don't think either of you qualify for crazytown!) Your words helped me understand her a little better and maybe pointed out some ways that I could be a better listener to her (and help me to pray a little more specifically.)

    Enjoy your coffee and your movie!

  2. Oh Amy, I read this post nodding my head... It sounds as though you have been walking in my shoes. I too sit back and think about when all this crazy stuff started and when will it end... It's like pulling yourself out of quicksand. I have good days and bad days... Thank you for a brave and honest post. I just stay silent in the background hoping it will just go away! Lx

  3. I am so sorry you are going through this. I def. suffer from panic attacks, have had 2 of them before. my mom, sister and brother all get them....they are on meds for it, I decided not to since mine have been so limited, only having 2 in my life.
    it's scary! I also suffer from not being able to sleep.
    My friend (who is a health conscious nut) recently told me about Valerian Root, she takes it when she can't sleep for insomnia, relaxing muscles, anxiety, depression and to sleep...ask the health food stores about it, all I know is she said it's amazing! I was thinking of trying it! just wanted to pass that along~
    hugs to you!

  4. I certainly appreciate your honesty. It must be really difficult to go though something like that. I really had no idea.

  5. I think I've read all your crazy-town posts and babe they aren't crazy at all. It is life. Life is hard. Some of us get anxiety and depression. Then we have to hit the reset button. You hit your reset button. I've read your posts and I've felt the deepness of your words. I wish only the best for you and that your troubles melt away from your heart because you have a warm heart with lots of SANE things to do and see and say.

    PS. You KNOW that I've dealt with similar things. And hitting the reset button (ie: getting help, taking chill pills for awhile, and owning my anxiety) has helped. Big time.

    Keep on truckin, chica.

  6. you went to the hunger games tonight?!?! you obsessed girl, you!! (i wanted to, but i knew i'd fall asleep :))
    anyway, i have a couple things to say on this subject.
    1. you know you. i know me. we know when we're just "off" you know? it doesn't matter what other people think, doesn't matter what other people think you should do. you just do what you know is right for you, friend.
    2. i have never really had anxiety until we moved. about 10 days after we got to nc, jarrod went to training in charlotte for 2 months. that left me (on another planet basically) alone...with three kids. i could not sleep. i was crying all the time for no reason really. the anxiety was really bad. so, i feel your pain. i've gotten better, but it's not quite there day at a time really does work.

    xo, sweet thing.


  7. I spent the day with a friend who suffers with this. It's debilitating. Her hair is falling out now. I've had my own issues. We get ya girl. It's real and I think as we get older there will be those years when our hormones are whack. No fun...but we'll get through it.

    Can't wait to hear what you think of the movie. I can hardly wait til Sat.

  8. you are definitely not alone, sweetie, and i have gone through similar things myself.
    times when it was just me and the Lord, because no one else understood, and maybe it was because i was too afraid to tell them. but He saw me through. He was a friend when no one else was, and He gave me peace like no other. i pray the same for you. :)
    i am so thankful that you are feeling better.
    when we are at our weakest, He reveals His strength. i love that.
    hope you have a wonderful weekend. :)

  9. I love that you can recognize your progress even though you are still dealing - and that you know the power of your words to share with others who may be dealing with the same. You are a wise and wonderful woman.


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