Coming Clean

Friday, August 31, 2012

It's time to come clean.
I don't know why I am hesitant to say this, I think it's a little like what I talked about here, but anyway....
I do not really know what to do with myself now that school has started.
There, I said it.
I can't believe I am even saying that because I did not expect to feel this way at all.
Not at all.
Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be weird for me and emotionally I knew it would be tough to
know both kids were in school now and that we would never go back to the days of just being home together, but I did
not know that I would have a hard time figuring out  what to do with myself.

In the past I had even heard other people say it-- they were lost, didn't know what to do with themselves
now that their kids were in school, where they fit in...
And you know I was rolling my eyes.
I could give them a list of about 100 things I would do as soon as my kids were in school.
Please. Give me a few days to myself, I will show you what to do with them!

I am still just not sure how to spend my days and knowing I have four full days to do whatever
I want with(I watch my nieces one day/week) makes it really easy for me to procrastinate and do nothing.
Way too easy.
And when I say nothing I mean I am doing all the usual home stuff but just not any of the huge
projects I imagined I would do once I had big chunks of time to myself.
It's really just kind of dumb.

Here's another thing--
I didn't imagine that I would be the one to feel this way because I didn't think I was the person that
did not know what to do with myself outside of my kids.
You know?
My kids and my family are my life, everything I do revolves around them in some way or another.
BUT, at the same time, I have always felt like I was also my own person with my own interests and friends and needs
outside  of being a mom.
I know a lot of women/moms who don't, whose whole identity is wrapped up in mothering and they never take time for
themselves or their interests.
If you are that person I am not criticizing you at all, but I am not that person.
I have always needed and craved, and not felt guilty about wanting, my own time away from my
kids to do things that I wanted to do, that made me happy and were fulfilling to me.
To me, that is one of the most important ingredients in being able to BE a good parent.

So, I guess I will figure it all out...right?
What to do.
What I want to do.
I also think that I probably need a little time to get adjusted to all of this but then I will start looking
for a job.
Just a little something to do a couple of days a week during school hours.
I don' t think it's probably real good for my mental health to have too much fre time.
Too much time in my head = cukoo.
But not enough time in my head = cukoo.
It's all about balance, baby.

I'm kind of over all of this and a little annoyed and sick of myself now.
I think I had better be over this mini-crisis by the time next Tuesday rolls around and the kids are back in school.


Happy Friday!
Hope you all have a great weekend.
We have a long, holiday weekend ahead of us and I am looking forward to it!


  1. Woah. I get this. I really do. I have always felt very independent. I never thought that I lost myself when I had kids. But I bet that I will go through the very same emotions that you are when the time comes. I just wrote a post today on how I'm struggling with all of my kids being in school this year (though my youngest boy is only in half day kindergarten and my youngest girl is in 3k for a few hours in the morning three times a week). I can't believe I am here already, and I'm struggling with it. It is going too fast.
    Life sure does keep you on your toes, doesn't it? Always learning. :)

  2. Balance is right, baby! I'm at that place where I think the world would be my oyster if I just had some time to myself. Then again, my little guy is now in pre-school 4 hours per week and on Thursday I read blogs for an hour then took a nap for an hour. Yikes.

  3. You will figure it out. Just like it takes me a few weeks to figure out our routine when they get out of school for summer break...same thing going back. I'm the exact same way.

  4. Though Max hasn't started school yet (starts Tuesday), I am pretty certain I'll be feeling the same way. Great intentions to do all sorts of projects, but I'm the Queen of Procrastination. ;)
    We are so, so much alike.
    Wish we could meet for a coffee and a chat.
    Enjoy your alone time. I feel the same way - I've never felt bad about spending time away from Max. I am that person who NEEDS that time alone from him. It helps me be a better mom when I get back.
    Keep taking beautiful photos while you enjoy your time alone! These are just gorgeous! That light is delicious!

  5. AMY! this is EXACTLY what I went through when AVa went to 1st grade, I was the biggest procrastinator EVER and got NOTHING done! I was LOST without them at home! I could not FOCUS at all, I couldn't scrapbook, I couldn't do all the projects that I had set up to do and I just could not concentrate without them around, it was soooooo weird! that's probably why I ended up homeschooling for 2 years also, but NOW I am ready. I plan to make a list of things to do each day and cross them off the list, including working out, weeding the yard, organizing layouts into books etc.!
    hugs girl, make some lists and accomplish some goals, I know it's hard because honestly I felt EXACTLY what you described and never thought in a million years that I would feel that way! I always have had hobbies just like you said, ahhhh complicated huh?!

  6. I am the kind of mama that needs alone time, has friends, and adores doing things outside of motherhood. Yet, Um yup. I got 15 million things done yesterday and I thought that it was 3pm at least. Um no... it was only 1pm. I was like "damn" and then the silence just kind of swallowed me up whole. So I get it. You can be the independent mama not wrapped up in the children, but still miss them because lets face it... they are a big piece of us. Just own that and you'll figure it all out, right? I sure as hell hope I do. Because I might go cuckoo, too. he he... ;)

  7. I completely relate to this Amy!!! And my kiddos have been going to school all day for 3 years now. One little helpful hint is to make a list on stickie notes and try to achieve something on it..really helps crossing off stuff like "paint toenails",,,heee heee! love your photos,ahhhhh! hugs, cathy


leave me a know you wanna.