Coming Clean

So.
It's time to come clean.
I don't know why I am hesitant to say this, I think it's a little like what I talked about here, but anyway....
I do not really know what to do with myself now that school has started.
There, I said it.
I can't believe I am even saying that because I did not expect to feel this way at all.
Not at all.
Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be weird for me and emotionally I knew it would be tough to
know both kids were in school now and that we would never go back to the days of just being home together, but I did
not know that I would have a hard time figuring out  what to do with myself.

In the past I had even heard other people say it-- they were lost, didn't know what to do with themselves
now that their kids were in school, where they fit in...
And you know I was rolling my eyes.
Really?
I could give them a list of about 100 things I would do as soon as my kids were in school.
Please. Give me a few days to myself, I will show you what to do with them!

I am still just not sure how to spend my days and knowing I have four full days to do whatever
I want with(I watch my nieces one day/week) makes it really easy for me to procrastinate and do nothing.
Way too easy.
And when I say nothing I mean I am doing all the usual home stuff but just not any of the huge
projects I imagined I would do once I had big chunks of time to myself.
It's really just kind of dumb.

Here's another thing--
I didn't imagine that I would be the one to feel this way because I didn't think I was the person that
did not know what to do with myself outside of my kids.
You know?
My kids and my family are my life, everything I do revolves around them in some way or another.
BUT, at the same time, I have always felt like I was also my own person with my own interests and friends and needs
outside  of being a mom.
I know a lot of women/moms who don't, whose whole identity is wrapped up in mothering and they never take time for
themselves or their interests.
If you are that person I am not criticizing you at all, but I am not that person.
I have always needed and craved, and not felt guilty about wanting, my own time away from my
kids to do things that I wanted to do, that made me happy and were fulfilling to me.
To me, that is one of the most important ingredients in being able to BE a good parent.

So, I guess I will figure it all out...right?
What to do.
What I want to do.
I also think that I probably need a little time to get adjusted to all of this but then I will start looking
for a job.
Just a little something to do a couple of days a week during school hours.
I don' t think it's probably real good for my mental health to have too much fre time.
Too much time in my head = cukoo.
But not enough time in my head = cukoo.
It's all about balance, baby.

I'm kind of over all of this and a little annoyed and sick of myself now.
I think I had better be over this mini-crisis by the time next Tuesday rolls around and the kids are back in school.

>>>>>>>>>>

Happy Friday!
Hope you all have a great weekend.
We have a long, holiday weekend ahead of us and I am looking forward to it!