Sometimes It's Not So Simple, Sometimes It Is

Last night I got out one of my big drawing books, grabbed one of my favorite pens and made myself sit down and write.
And when I say "write", that can mean to actually write, to simply doodle, draw or make a list...Just putting pen to paper is sometimes the best way for me to reflect, figure things out and look at problems differently.
It is often a way for me to get whatever is bothering me OUT of me(even if only temporarily) and somewhere else(on the paper).
Life has been heavy the last week or so and yesterday it was just about to come to a head.
Sitting at work, looking out at yet another gray, rainy, dreary sky, I thought I was going to lose it.
Like seriously.
Several days like this in a row, on top of already feeling emotional and having some tough life things going on lately, has nearly done me in for this week. I really want to throw in the towel.

After work, I came home and looked at the kitchen that needed cleaned and the laundry that needed folded and instead I forced myself to put on my tennis shoes and go for a walk.
As we got about a block from home I told myself that every time I felt down and could not get myself out of a funk, I was going to make myself put on my tennis shoes and just walk. Somewhere, anywhere...For an hour or for 15 minutes.
It helped a little.
When I got home I took a shower, used my favorite shower gel, put on my brand new pajama pants and sat down on the couch with my big drawing book. I wrote and drew and slowly felt a tiny bit better than I had in days.
I am a big believer in not ignoring what the problem or issue is but trying to figure it out- and most importantly, trying to figure out what I need to do to change the situation or change how I am reacting to a situation. 
Very often, like now, there is not a thing you can do to change tough situations though- You cannot control anyone else's actions but your own and sometimes that really sucks.


Today is a new day and I am going to try my hardest to make it better than yesterday.

Coming And Going

This week I have thought, at various times, about this little blog of mine.  Just sitting here.
Like I have nothing to say at all and no time to say it. Sometimes it does seem like that, other times I have so much to say I don't know where to start.
More often than not though, there are things in my head and on my heart and on the very tip of my tongue even,  that stay where they are because they are not for public viewing/reading/hearing.

You know those things you want to say and those days when you feel like there is literally not one person on this planet that understands you, or cares what you have to say anyway.
We all have those days.
When you feel silenced... misunderstood...alone...when you are moving along, keeping your mouth shut because you know it's the best thing to do. The days you don't even feel like trying, or explaining, the days when you know if you said these things out loud you would surely be deemed crazy, like officially.

I have a lot of those days but often they are just moments in my days...not full days.
Sometimes I miss the days of writing or typing, sharing and just getting it all out there, if only for myself--Because really it has always been just for myself, this space and these words and pictures.
It's for me.

So you keep going and there are good days and bad days...
There are days you want to start over, somewhere else where no one knows your name, and there are days when you know you couldn't do this if there wasn't someone around that did know your name, your story and your heart.
These days of coming and going and giving all you have and feeling certain it isn't enough, they are hard. But they are good, too.
There is always good, every single day and that is what I keep telling myself- Some days we need this reminder and some days we absolutely do not need it. It's okay to have both kinds of days.
It's okay to be a contradiction.
It's okay to be up and down, coming and going, hot and cold.
Most days I can't pretend to be anything else, I just don't have it in me.



And that is okay.

On Dreaming Up New Jobs & New Lives...

I don't know if I would call this a problem so much, maybe it's an escape, maybe it's just a daydream.
Maybe it's me still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life.
There's nothing wrong with daydreams, or escaping temporarily and most of all, there is nothing wrong with continuing to always try and figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life.....Right?
{Let's just hope I am still not trying to figure this out in thirty years...}

My sister and I recently saw this house and later when I was editing the picture and getting a little bit better look at it, I started wondering about the house and it's history...
How old was it?

Who built it? 

What does the inside look like?

Who has lived in this house?

And then I thought that the coolest, most fun job ever would just be to explore different cities/places, find cool houses, take pictures of them, knock on the door, ask the owners if you can come inside and nose around while taking pictures and listening to their stories and history of these homes. 

How awesome would that be? 

I need this job, I think. Like....Now. 

I can just imagine what it would be like nosing through all the nooks + crannies, in the attics and the cellars, listening to stories and taking pictures of it all. 
So.much.fun.
My next immediate thought is- I would never really do that, I would die before knocking on a stranger's door, asking them to let me in and look around...How embarrassing. How rude. Nosey. Imposing. 

I hate that that is my first reaction as soon as I think of something that I would LOVE to do. 
Is that just me?
Human nature?
Personality? All of the above?
I kind of hate that part of my personality, although I do think everyone has it in them, just to different degrees and in different amounts. 
I always tell the kids they can do whatever they want, have 5 awesome careers they love- not just one, be who they are, travel, wait to go to college, follow their dreams, don't go to college...Whatever. 
Then I wonder if I have really followed any of my BIG dreams. 
And if not...Is it too late for me?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Those are my Saturday morning thoughts.
These are the things always in my head--- there's a lot there, a lot more than I share here, or anywhere.
I will always be a work in progress and I will ALWAYS be trying to figure it out. 
And I think I am okay with that.

The Grateful Dead and Girl Scout Badges

I had a moment the other day.

It was one of those strange moments where you can almost see yourself, sitting there doing what
you are doing, but from the outside.

I was sitting at the kitchen table listening to music on my little wireless speaker that plays music from my phone.

I was trying to sew patches on Charlotte's Brownie vest about thirty minutes before her Girl Scout meeting started. I was doing a pretty bad job of it, too. 

It's something I put off over and over- I do a pretty crappy job, I can never find needles, or the badges and mostly because I just know after I go through all the trouble to finally sew them on  I will find
out that I sewed them on in the wrong place. 

Because that's exactly the kind of thing I do. Like regularly. I'm that mom.

Charlotte was sitting at the kitchen table next to me writing a story that she kept hidden with her arm
so I couldn't read it.
I was sewing and listening to the variety(both good + bad) that Pandora was playing when a song came on, it was this song and I'm linking to it even though I'm sure no one else knows this song or probably cares, really.
But I love it and all of the sudden.... So MANY memories.
Me at 16 and 19 and 21 and 24.... and now.
I have so many tiny but vivid snippets of memories and sounds and smells and places tied to this song... to this band and to those years.
So many happy, carefree memories with good friends...
They all flashed through my mind in a matter of seconds, so many thoughts and feelings.

And then I looked back at Charlotte writing and down at the little Brownie vest I was(badly) sewing patches onto and it was a moment, a strange one.
A moment of then and now and how I am the mom now and where did that other person go, anyway?
The old me, the younger me.
Because if I'm honest, I wouldn't trade where I am now or go back to that time permanently for anything... but sometimes I miss that girl and sometimes I feel like I've lost her, some days she feels a life time away from me now.

////////////////

I think in a matter of seconds I smiled, I felt like crying, I felt like dancing and I just wanted to freeze time right then and just enjoy doing exactly what I was doing.
And then Charlotte looked at me, covered her papers again to make sure I couldn't read anything
and I went right back to sewing with my crooked needle while trying not to look at the sink full of dirty dishes.
And the moment left just as quickly and unexpectedly as it came.

When You Don't Thrive On Being "Busy" + Why It Is Okay

This topic is something that is on my mind more often than not because it's something I feel like I am forced to think about
nearly every single day in one way or another.
Our days are busy.
The world is busy, busier than  e  v  e  r .
All my friends and family are busy, everyone on social media is so busy, we are so busy that we all talk about it- a lot.
Too much.
I feel like some people wear the whole "OhmyGodwehavebeensooobusy" thing like a badge of honor.
Like that's how it's supposed to be, like it's a good thing.
But it's not and I'm not buying it- or wearing the badge.

I am feeling overcommited and overscheduled and if I am honest I will tell you that I don't like this feeling at all.
Not at all.
I feel rushed and stressed and like I am barely holding it all together some days.

We live in an age of Parenting that tells us more is best.
Your child wants to play baseball?
Sign him up!
He wants to be in band?
And soccer?
And Boy Scouts?
Sign him up!
Oh- your daughter does, too?
Well we don't want her to feel left out, so sign her up, too.
Everyone is doing it and it wouldn't be fair to not let them do an activity that they really want to  do....
And God forbid we tell our kids NO.
Regardless of the cost it is to the whole family.
And by cost I don't even mean financial cost.

On a personal note-

The cost of being so busy and over scheduling my kids to the point that I can't have dinner with friends just one time a month, or see
a movie every other month or be able to return a phone call within the week or answer texts from my best girlfriends, is just not worth it to me.
So not worth it.
Because that is real life to me and that is what is important to me.
That right there is what fills me up, it's what gets me through the days and the weeks and the years.
And everybody knows that if Mama is stressed and worn out and doesn't get to fill up and recharge...
it's not good, not good for the whole family.

The cost of being so busy can easily mean that by bedtime I am too tired/stressed/worn out to
read with my kids, to talk to them about what is going on at school and to look at one of their stories, drawings/Lego creations--
For maybe the 500'th time... But who's counting.
To watch a movie together as a family, or play a game or just lay in bed and talk to them.

The older my kids get, the busier things feel for sure.
I really kind of hate it.
A lot.
There is more homework and now there's orchestra and Student Senate and Brownies and tumbling... the list goes on.
For selfish reasons I don't want to be running my kids back and forth every night of the week to multiple things and getting home only
in time to eat, bathe and go to bed.
I also don't want that because I know it's not the best thing for our whole family.
I want my kids to know that family time is important, friend time is important, getting away is important, doing absoultely nothing
is important-- I also want them to know that doing what everyone else is doing or letting yourself be a slave to "doing it all" is so
not important.

These are the days that my kids still want to be at home doing things with their family.
Wyatt turned ten last week and I have had to face the fact that the teenage years willl be here in
approximately three years... things will be different then.
I want to take full advantage of these days and years and moments.
I know that I do not want to realize a few years from now that I couldn't be a good friend, or a mom
that was just a little less stressed, a wife/sister/daughter/aunt that was rarely "present" because I was just so damn busy.

////////

I could keep going on this topic for days + days, you guys.
I will stop now- but tell me what you think, what you really think...Do you feel this pressure, how do you manage it and deal with, how do
you keep yourself and your family in check?
Or is it something you need to work on?

I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts on this subject! 

Trying To Remember Not To Forget.....

So when I started this little blog of mine several(four? five?) years ago I had just stopped working and was staying home full time.
It was a time of big changes all the way around.
I was kind of searching for somewhere to focus my creative energy and wanted to have somewhere to put all of the pictures I was taking.
But the biggest reason for starting this little blog was just for documenting, for myself, not for far away family members to see pictures
of the kids regularly or anything like that... just for me.
My memory is not great and never has been and I really wanted a journal of sorts with pictures and stories and feelings...
just to remember
how it was  R  I  G  H  T    T  H  E  N.

Because after a while, things blur and we remember things differently... Right?
My little tag line on my blog, a long time ago, used to be :
"Trying to remember not to forget all the little things that make up these days"
And that's what I still want to do.
Remember.
Not forget.
I miss blogging regularly and documenting and recording... and sharing.
I want to make more time for it.
I think I'm going to.

Life is busy and hectic and chaotic and things are always changing.. and I want to remember these days.
A few words and pictures and stories will be so, so good to have one day.

Take care of all your memories. 

For you cannot relive them.

- Bob Dylan

////////

Keepin' It Real :: When Being A Grown-Up Sucks

{Warning : No sugar-coated  I Love My Life!  post here today.

Looking for that?  Best keep moving, folks}

There are lots of good things about being a grown-up... or The Grown-Up, don't get me wrong, 

but there are a lot of super crappy, not fun things about being an adult, too....

And lately?

Those things just seem to be overshadowing the few benefits I can currently count on my hand

 of being the older, mature "grown-up".    

Because really... some days?

I don't want to make the decisions, or answer the questions, I don't want to help with third grade

 Math homework or try to teach the "right lessons" about not nice friends at school.

I don't want to wonder if I am in the right place in my life, doing the right thing.

I don't want to worry about bills.

Or lack of money.

Busy schedules and a house that I can't seem to keep up with.

I don't want to think about having no dental insurance, feeling like crap, 

loads + loads of laundry, school fundraisers, volunteering at school and the 

seemingly constant school meetings and emails.

 AND on top of all that-- a new job.

Some days I just don't want to do any of it.

None.

I just want to get in my car, with my friends, like we did when we were twenty, 

go on a road trip somewhere to see some concert that we just have to see and be 

immature with no responsibilities and no real cares.

Don't get me wrong, I don't actually wish I was twenty again, but some days that simpler 

carefree time sure does appeal to me.

Today is one of those days, and this is one of those weeks.

So instead, today I will fold laundry, go through school papers and answer 50 emails, 

while watching/listening to the Gilmore Girls.... 

Taking off in my car for a random road trip will just have to wait until another day, huh?

Sigh.

Oh well.

Ever have these days... weeks... feelings... thoughts?

Ever feel like hiding under the covers and never coming back out?

Please tell me I'm not alone.

Amid The Chaos

There was no smooth transition when I arrived back home from our little vacation on Sunday.
I knew there wouldn't be, but wow.
We didn't imagine this.

Just days ago it was sunscreen, sand, looking for sea shells and drinking Cherry Sambas at our favorite restaurant on the water at night.
Things changed fast on our way home.
One of the girls I was on my trip with came home to her husband very, very sick and in critical condition.
He is in ICU and we don't know what is going to happen... it is bad...instead of taking it day-by-day they are literally taking it minute-by-minute.
It's not good.
It is scary and completely unbelievable.

It's beyond hard to watch someone you love very much go through something like this knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do.
There is no good news. No bright spot, the doctors are not encouraging.
There is a flurry of texting and phone calls between the other four of us... waiting for news, updates and
lots of "I love Yous".
I am not a big "I love you" kinda girl... not a big hugger... not usually.
I have cried more in this last week than I have in a long time.
It's heartbreaking and it is hard to understand.
I wish I could do something,  anything,  to take it away... but I can't.

Amid the chaos of the last few days, there are a few things I have learned.
I know that I have friends that would do anything for me.
I know that when a friend really, really needs something, the other friends step up.
I now that just being there-- whether physically or by phone call or text message is sometimes the only thing you can do... and it is enough.
I know that sometimes people cannot carry themselves, cannot physically go on alone,  but need to be carried by their loved ones.
And blind faith.
I know that showing up at the hospital just to sit in the ICU waiting room once or twice a day in case your friend comes out...
It's just what you do.

This last week I have been reminded once again that all of the little things in this life of ours just don't matter.
People do. Our friends and family do.
That's it, that's really all we have.

And for that I am beyond grateful.

//////////

Because It Has To Be Said...

I didn't plan to post today but I decided that before Coffee tomorrow I had to.
I cannot get on here tomorrow and act like nothing has happened.
Like nothing has changed.
Like our hearts and our world isn't just absolutely broken.
Because it is.
It really is.
I have no words of wisdom, no enlightenment to make myself or anyone else feel better.
No answers....and no questions.
I'm not taking a stance or giving my opinion on anything.
My heart is too broken.

(i posted this on facebook friday)

I have a kindergartner and a second grader.
Six-years old and 8-years old.
One or both of my kids have been sick since this past Friday and today Charlotte, my kindergartner, finally went back
to school for just a few hours after being out 4 1/2 days.
I took her in right before lunch and when we walked into her classroom her teacher literally cheered and hugged her and
all of her classmates ran up to her saying;  
"Charlotte is back! Charlotte is back!" hugging her.
Her class had just hunted the school for The Gingerbread Man and were starting to get 
their coats on and lining up for recess.
My heart was happy knowing this is where I get to leave my kids.
At a school where they are loved and are happy, where other people care about them.
Before I walked out of her class Charlotte's teacher quietly asked me if I had heard anything in the news.
"Something has happened" she said, " I think something at a school".
My heart dropped.
I walked back home and turned on the TV where I saw the headlines.
I watched for less than 3 minutes and have not watched since.
My heart is broken.
All I can think of is my own kid's classmates... their families, their siblings... 
their parents and their teachers, their teacher's families.
These are the ones I entrust with my kids every single day, the ones who step in and do my job(plus a whole lot more) 
five days a week.
I had just looked at all the little kindergartner's faces and Charlotte's teacher not five minutes ago.
My heart broke into a million pieces, it is all too close.

Hug your kids extra tight, tell your family and friends you LOVE them and how much they mean to you while you
have the chance... 
Thank your children's teachers for what they do every single day in our absence.
And say a prayer.
What else can we do?

***

She's Gone

Do you know that feeling when you have been with the kids solo for several days and your husband
finally gets home and you are in the car peeling out of the driveway before anyone even realizes you are leaving?
I know you do.

That was me Sunday.
I had plans, big plans.
I was going to get several quiet, productive, relaxing hours to myself.
Oh, but wait. Before I get to that.....

We took a picnic lunch to the park on Sunday and the kids ran around and burned off some energy while I closed my eyes in the sun and took deep breaths

and listened to the kids run and laugh and scream.

If I'm honest I will also tell you that I was counting down the hours until Eric got home and plotting exactly what I was going to do with my few hours of time all to myself.

A couple days with a grumpy, stressed, nothing ever goes right(oh, poor me!) attitude had me in a funk

and I don't really enjoy the funk.

Here's the thing-- it's not even the kids 90% of the time, it is ME.

Sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow; to admit that maybe YOU are the problem and the kids are 

just being kids....and you just need to get over yourself.

Sure, there was a little too much fighting, teasing and whining-- but mostly, it was me.

For some reason I found myself in an on and off grumpy mood that I could not seem to shake, for a couple of days really, andI have come to know that it usually stems from stress. 

And is usually self-inflicted.

Later that night while editing these pictures I wondered how I could have even been grumpy?
It was a picture-perfect Fall day.
70*, breezy, sunny and perfect, look at these pictures.
And I was trying out my new lens I got in the mail on Saturday.
Life was good-- and yet I still could not shake the funk.
Dumb.

So I got myself ready- make-up on, presentable clothes(no yoga pants), hair semi-fixed.
Computer, charger, camera, headphones- everything I needed for a few hours to myself at Panera.
I got in the car; sun shining, windows down, absolutely perfect weather, turn on the radio and what do
I hear but the very beginning of "She's Gone" by Hall & Oates.
Seriously? Could it get any better? 
Hello, 1970's and a song you cannot listen to quietly but have to turn up as loud as you can and
sing along.
Heavenly.
My funk is on it's way out, and fast, folks.

So I pull up to Panera, unload all my stuff and---> sign on the door says they closed early for
an employee training.Ughhhhhhhhh.
I would have kicked the tire and threw a fit had there not been people sitting at the tables out front.
But I quickly stopped feeling sorry for myself,  made a Plan B and looked up movies playing and saw that The Odd Life of Timothy Green
was starting right then, which meant that I could get across town by the time they played all
of those previews and still be on time. And right on time I was.

I liked the movie a lot.
I cried through a lot of it - but I think it was just my mood.

There is no moral to my story- just that sometimes it's hard to shake a funky mood even when everything around you is good.
And sometimes I feel super guilty for acting like a brat when I have no reason to.
And yes, I get stressed out and feel sorry for myself and some days I want to run away from it all but
I would not change one single thing about my life.


And if I had any singing ability what-so-ever, I would sing "She's Gone" by Hall & Oates at karaoke
one day.
After about four Blue Moons....and if I ever even went to karaoke in the first place.
Oh- and a shot or two.






ps- i hope to god the 70's mustache never comes back.
ever.
yikes.
my dad had one and i just got the mental picture and it was not pretty.
not at all.

Coming Clean

So.
It's time to come clean.
I don't know why I am hesitant to say this, I think it's a little like what I talked about here, but anyway....
I do not really know what to do with myself now that school has started.
There, I said it.
I can't believe I am even saying that because I did not expect to feel this way at all.
Not at all.
Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be weird for me and emotionally I knew it would be tough to
know both kids were in school now and that we would never go back to the days of just being home together, but I did
not know that I would have a hard time figuring out  what to do with myself.

In the past I had even heard other people say it-- they were lost, didn't know what to do with themselves
now that their kids were in school, where they fit in...
And you know I was rolling my eyes.
Really?
I could give them a list of about 100 things I would do as soon as my kids were in school.
Please. Give me a few days to myself, I will show you what to do with them!

I am still just not sure how to spend my days and knowing I have four full days to do whatever
I want with(I watch my nieces one day/week) makes it really easy for me to procrastinate and do nothing.
Way too easy.
And when I say nothing I mean I am doing all the usual home stuff but just not any of the huge
projects I imagined I would do once I had big chunks of time to myself.
It's really just kind of dumb.

Here's another thing--
I didn't imagine that I would be the one to feel this way because I didn't think I was the person that
did not know what to do with myself outside of my kids.
You know?
My kids and my family are my life, everything I do revolves around them in some way or another.
BUT, at the same time, I have always felt like I was also my own person with my own interests and friends and needs
outside  of being a mom.
I know a lot of women/moms who don't, whose whole identity is wrapped up in mothering and they never take time for
themselves or their interests.
If you are that person I am not criticizing you at all, but I am not that person.
I have always needed and craved, and not felt guilty about wanting, my own time away from my
kids to do things that I wanted to do, that made me happy and were fulfilling to me.
To me, that is one of the most important ingredients in being able to BE a good parent.

So, I guess I will figure it all out...right?
What to do.
What I want to do.
I also think that I probably need a little time to get adjusted to all of this but then I will start looking
for a job.
Just a little something to do a couple of days a week during school hours.
I don' t think it's probably real good for my mental health to have too much fre time.
Too much time in my head = cukoo.
But not enough time in my head = cukoo.
It's all about balance, baby.

I'm kind of over all of this and a little annoyed and sick of myself now.
I think I had better be over this mini-crisis by the time next Tuesday rolls around and the kids are back in school.

>>>>>>>>>>

Happy Friday!
Hope you all have a great weekend.
We have a long, holiday weekend ahead of us and I am looking forward to it!

A Little Discouraged

Okay, so here goes.
I talked a little bit about some of this a couple of weeks ago {here} although I didn't
come right out with all of it. So.....
We have been waiting and waiting for news on a job my husband interviewed for
more than a month ago.
Waited and waited.
Oh, and he had not one but two interviews.
He did not get the job, we finally found out last Friday.
All that waiting and hoping...the "what-ifs" and thinking maybe this really is it....
Nope.
Bummed and disappointed would be an understatement.
Great understatement.
Crying in the shower and wondering where in the hell we go from here might be a little more
accurate--ummm...and that would be ME, not him.

So, all of the what-ifs and maybes and some days are gone for now.
Just for now though. I have to keep telling myself that.
Here's the thing that I am having a hard time with though-well, there's two things really.
A lot of things (in my mind) hinged on this job, maybe a different path, maybe answers to things
we/I have been wondering about. Maybe more of a concrete idea of where we are going...
I am talking about family, schools, jobs, working/not working(me) and just big life big decisions.
So now I feel like I am right back where I started; with no clear path, no answers, no idea,
just questions.
And a lot of frustration and disappointment.
I am discouraged. I know he is beyond discouraged...and not just about this specific
job but about the whole job search thing in general.

I feel bad for him. It sucks.
Jobs are scarce, too many people looking and not enough jobs.
And he is going into a new field.
He worked his ass off in school for this.
He finished school last Winter and officially graduated just this past May.
I was, and am, so proud of him.
He started school right at the time Charlotte was born.
I had a newborn baby and a 2 year-old when he started.
It was rough at times, on both of us.
He also worked full time and commuted an hour each way to work, every day.
He got excellent grades.
And didn't complain.
Ever.
The same could not be said had it been me instead. Just being honest.

And through it all we told ourselves it would all be worth it when he was done.
When he had a new job.
In a field that he really wanted to be in.
And still we wait.
But still hopeful...well, kinda...ummm, so that's not entirely true but I will be again but
just maybe not quite yet.
Something will come along, at some point, I just hoped it would be sooner rather
than later.

So, if you know of anyone, anywhere, in any state or any city that is looking for
someone with the following awesome credentials, let me know : )

*Bachelor's degree in English
*Tons of computer/Graphic Design knowledge & experience
*Masters Degree in Environmental Studies and Sustainability
*Super smart
*Super sweet
*and super laid-back--which is a plus in any work environment if you ask me

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I already feel better just typing that out.
The worry and stress is so much worse for me when I carry it around with me.
Thanks for listening, guys.

PS- I started this post a few days ago and just thought I would add that today I am feeling
better about all of this....I think wondering and waiting is the worst part.
Once you know you can move on from it.
And so we will.
Happy Wednesday, y'all!

Direction.

It is Tuesday night and after a long evening of haircuts and supper and cleaning up

 and dealing with two crazy dogs and baths and trying to figure out what needs to be on my

 grocery list for the week and watching a little bit of the Madeline movie 

and reading books before bed...

now I am sitting quietly on the couch by myself.

So quiet.

Eric has a late class so I am at it solo on Tuesdays.

So I make myself a cup of sleepytime vanilla tea and settle myself on the couch
under a big, warm blanket to do a little blog reading.

And when I do, I wonder the same thing that I have been wondering a lot lately. 

How do so many people seem to know what they should be doing out there...

the answers to big questions...and little questions...how do they know? 

Where they should be, what the next step is, where to go from here...

And just so this isn't confused as an  "I am unhappy with my life post"... it's not  that at all,

it's just more of a feeling of not knowing what's next in some ways for me and my little family.

Personally, I am talking about things like jobs and school decisions and where 

we go from here and what the future looks like and I have to say, I have no 

idea about any of it. Not a clue at the moment.

I hear (read) people saying things like; they were called to do it, they just knew it was meant

 to be, it was obvious to them it was the right decision....

And don't get me wrong, I believe them and I don't completely hate them for it....
but how do they know it is the right decision? 

The best decision?
And how come I don't seem to know anything for sure lately?

I don't expect a map to fall into my lap telling me each and every decision I should make, 

which path to take but I would just like a hint in the general direction.
Ya know?

And usually I don't get super hung up on these things, by nature I am just not a big planner.

There was never a hardcore timeline for marriage or kids or houses or  jobs or any of that for
me because although I think it's fine to make plans and have some direction,
 I know that life doesn't really follow the plan we often have in mind most of the time anyway.

But still.
It would be really awesome if the universe threw me a bone...
something...
anything?

Maybe I should have titled this "Directionless".
Yeah, I think that would have been more appropriate.
And totally unrelated, but kinda not, can I just tell you how much I love Parenthood?
I am kind of late coming in on this one, but I LOVE it.

Ps- I am so happy I get to catch little things like this every day.

Is It Friday Yet?!

I have to say that I am glad it is Friday because I am kinda ready to put this week behind me.
I just remembered that along with Wednesday's episode, I also forgot to play tooth fairy on Sunday night...what? ughhhhhhhh.
Good Lord, I need a vacation. Or something.
But first-- I have to say thank you, thank you, thank you for all the sweet comments yesterday.
I have to tell you, they truly made me feel better.
I know I might sound a tad bit melodramatic, but I felt just awful Wednesday night and Thursday.
Guilty, sad and a little depressed.
I can usually shake these feelings off pretty quickly but then sometimes it's harder.
I know it may sound like a small thing, but when you are feeling really bad about yourself and
you have people that want to make you feel better, who have kind words and encouragement,
that is really something to be thankful for.
And I am.

But today is a new day and I am moving on.
So, besides forgetting lots of important stuff and feeling super bad about my role as a parent,
this week I have also....

watched 5 episodes of Three's Company
got totally caught up on the laundry
cleaned up dog pee no less than 10 times
went out for a beer with a friend and didn't get home until 1:30 am
bought a few stocking stuffers for Christmas (!)
had my first peppermint mocha of the season
Read this book and loved it
went through the kid's clothes and finally switched them out for the season
Dropped off three bags of clothes/junk to be donated

So yeah, it has been a full week.
Not all bad.
Not all good.
I am ready for the weekend though, for real.
I think we might have a date night this weekend...fingers crossed on that one.
Apparently I need it.
Happy Friday everyone, hope you have a great weekend.


"Come and knock on our door....."

The Thankful Project {Day 2} ::
Thankful for kind words and encouragement