OH, The Guilt + A Mama Meltdown

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

{Today's Mini-Breakdown Is Brought to You By : The 3rd Day of School + Too Much Time To Think}

The guilt of a mother, it never ends, does it?
This is one thing I have learned for sure over the last 7 1/2 years.
We feel guilty after our first baby is born and we wish we could pop them back inside to cook just
a little bit longer because maybe being pregnant was good enough after all.
We feel guilty because all we want to do is to be able to sleep when they are tiny babies and cry because they just really never do at the right times.
We feel guilty when we want to run out of the house and down street away from that same
crying baby.
We feel guilty when we can, can't or don't wanna nurse our babies.
Guilty when we drop them off at daycare and return to work.
Guilty when others cannot get pregnant or lose babies when we know they would do anything
in the world to be a mother.
Guilty for losing our temper.
Guilty for not having enough patience.
Guilty when we need a night away so badly that we would consider sacrificing our first-born
just for the chance at it.
Guilty when we miss our 1st graders presentation where he is Abraham Lincoln and wears a top
hat and tie and says his lines perfectly, because we got the day wrong(that was ME. remember that? awful).

It never ends, this guilt.
Usually I feel it, I tell myself I am doing the best I can and even if I really wasn't today, tomorrow is another day and I have a
chance to do it all over again...then I let it go.
I have to and I usually can pretty easily.
But this morning while folding laundry I could hear the kids playing on the playground over at school
and I had to fight back tears and was hit with an overwhelming sense of guilt.
Guilt because we switched schools.
Oh and the fighting back tears part? That actually means crying on and off all morning.
I think I have been focusing so much on Charlotte starting kindergarten and the big change for
her and how she was going to do---
that I haven't been thinking as much about the fact that my boy switched schools, after two years at
his old school...a school we really liked, where he had friends, where his cousin went ...
where he knew everyone in his grade....
to knowing no one and not having any friends and it all being new to him.

I realize this is just Day 3 of school and in case you hadn't noticed, here is the break-down
we have all been waiting for, folks.
I am emotional and doubting myself and wondering if these choices were selfish or right or wrong
and if we made a huge mistake and if Wyatt will make friends.
I am worried.
Yesterday I asked him what he did at recess and he said he went down the slide and just kind of wondered around
by himself on the playground and then thought to himself;
"Man, I gotta get some friends."
This is kinda funny if you know Wyatt, he wasn't even complaining but just being matter-of-fact.
He is sweet and funny and wild and busy and has a great sense of humor, that boy.
I don't care if my kids have ten friends or one friend and they don't need to be the popular kid in
school, invited to every birthday party.
I'm not the mom that pushes the whole "best friend" thing for their kids or the mom eager
to set up play dates.....I just want him to have someone he can play with at recess.
That's all.

Sometimes it's just tough, isn't it?


  1. they surprise you when they come..but those melt downs ALWAYS come!!:) probably related to that guilt you mentioned. if i know wyatt like i think i do, he will have friends in no time and the fact that he doesn't seem too worried about it is proof of that.:)
    he'll be just fine mama and guess what...so will you !;)
    have a happy day amy

  2. oh, you sweet mama.
    i am confident that God will provide the perfect friends for wyatt...He takes care of things for us when we can't.
    your heart is SO big and i love every bit of it.
    chin up, friend. your children are SO blessed to have you.

  3. I feel for you. I had always known we wanted to homeschool our kids when we started having them, but didn't know how to go about it at the time...so my son actually did go to a public school his kindergarten and first grade year. I know these feelings you have all too well...It is so normal of course. Try to soak in the different seasons in your life though..I too have thought how I wish I could make them little again, sadly of course we can't go back...so with head held high, think joy, happy thoughts and try try try to enjoy the now. I am sure you do...just hoping to give ya some encouragment. hang in there and know that whatever decision you made as a family, that it was right for you, even if you rethink that descision later...it is right for that season...You know your kids and yourself the best. My personal experience brought us to eventually homeschool... my son was homeschooled all the way through high school last year...I am still schooling our daughter and feel so blessed to be here and see every stride and achievment. I have not missed one...and they turned out just fine. I know it is not for everyone though. Oh, and I just know your boy will make a friend....Sometimes it just takes time. ;) It did for mine. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Hang in there!!!!!

  4. ahhh the proverbial guilt. we all feel it. there's just no escaping that reality when you become a mom. all the second guessing is normal.

    try uprooting your family to a new state where they don't have any friends or family and your oldest is getting ready to start junior high!! i was a mess. then hearing her cry that she doesn't know who to sit with at lunch and how she just wants some to talk to. knife to the heart. but it didn't last long. friends came and they will continue to build.

    it's amazing how flexible and resilient kids can be. your boy will be fine. before long he'll have more friends than he knows what to do with!

  5. So. tough.
    My girl was bullied on her first day. Parenting is the best and the worst. I am sure you did the right thing. I will pray for you to feel it too! xo

  6. We do carry a tremendous amount of guilt, as mothers, for all we do and don't do. Every one says that kids are resilient and stronger than we think. But it is also our job, as parents, to be sensitive to the changes they go through and offer support and comfort and maybe an extra smore or two. Stay strong Mama, it's all good in the end.

  7. They'll get there, girl. I wish he switched to Calvin's school, cause he's the new kid, too. I think they'd be fast friends.

    I hear you on the guilt thing, too. This post was true and lovely and we all feel it along with you.

    To new friends! {clink}

  8. Ugh, I despise the inevitable mama guilt. Hugs to you, friend!

  9. So hard. So very hard. Chocolate and coffee. Go get some.

    p.s. remember you are an awesome mom...just ask your kids.

  10. oh amy...we all know this guilt feeling. it sucks so bad. just remember it's easy to beat ourselves up and take on the guilt. it takes time to make friends...initially all big changes and decisions feel like mistakes. y'all will be ok. i betcha when spring rolls around, this scenerio will be completely different.

  11. That's all I want too. Just one person who is loyal and likes my kid and won't run off at the second there's a more popular choice on the playground. So far my daughter hasn't had it. And I have to separate myself from being heartbroken about that and remember my job is to walk her through the situation even if it stays bad, or at least not my first choice. It is sooo hard. I had a rough day Wednesday too. Think I blogged about mommy guilt as well, now that I think about it. Thx for your vulnerability on this bc our school hasn't started and you're reminding me its okay if I'm your exact shoes in two weeks. Which is likely.

  12. It is tough, the guilt. I constantly have feelings of guilt. Right now I feel guilty about shouting at my kids and being a real lousy mom when they kept me up until 3 in the morning (I'm in the office by 7) for the second night in a row. It wasn't their fault, they had jet lag, they just couldn't sleep and were highstrung and over tired from a long, tiring day and an intercontinental flight. But after the constant bickering, getting up, jumping around in their beds for hours, giggling, screaming, I lost it. Guilt, guilt, guilt.


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