On Fear, Anxiety and Just Doing It

So, after my little trip to Florida in April I had intended to write a post on the whole flying thing but just never got around to it.
I talked about it here before I went on vacation... and I know it's kind of old news now, BUT I am sharing because I have come to
realize that sharing my crazy anxiety/panicky stuff actually helps me, and it might just make someone else feel not so crazy, or alone...
and that would be a good thing.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I am scared to death of flying.
I hate it. Like hate, hate, hate it.
I'd rather have surgery before voluntarily putting myself on an airplane.
I'm not scared of terrorists, or heights or... whatever, I am just plain scared of crashing- and not just crashing but that whole minute
I imagine it would take to crash and just knowing that whole time you were going to die and not being able to do anything about it.
That is what I think about pretty much the entire time I am on an airplane, like obsessive thoughts, over and over.
It's a bit crazy.
Doesn't that sound like a bit of a nightmare?

No, it's not like I get on the airplane and then after a bit I'm able to relax and enjoy the rest of the flight... or even just stop freaking out
for the rest of the flight.
Not even a little bit, that does not happen.
I freak out in my head the entire time, it does not slow down until pretty much right before we land.
When the plane starts descending and you start getting close enough to see the land really good I start to calm down a tiny bit, as we
get lower I finally start to feel like I can take a deep breath.
And it's not because I think we're so close now that we probably won't crash either.
Oh no, I'm still convinced there is a pretty good chance we'll crash, BUT at that point I feel like if we do crash we are close enough
to the ground that it would happen really fast and I wouldn't even have a chance to think about what was going on.
See? Little bit crazy.

Thankfully, I was flying with three very understanding friends that knew what a big deal flying is for me, otherwise I wouldn't have
even done it.
They made sure I was not by a stranger or by myself, or next to the window... or the aisle...or the crazy man that appeared drunk
that might want to talk to me during the flight...
Yeah, they are really good friends.
They knew not to talk to me if I was looking super-crazy and my friend that I sat next to was fine with me holding her hand during
take-off and almost squeezing it off.
They knew that if drinks were being served to flag down the stewardess and that when my headphones were in not to even attempt to
talk to me(they were in almost the entire time).

So yes, I was scared to death, BUT,  I did not have an anxiety attack on the airplane.
I was not hauled away by security, my plane did not crash and I am here to tell you that I survived...all four flights.
Yes, we changed planes each way... so FOUR times I did this.
Four times.
One plane was a tiny one and let me tell you, I seriously thought about taking a train home from Chicago instead... but I didn't.
It wasn't pretty, but I did it.
As silly as it may seem to some, I am proud of myself... like really proud.
I did something that I was/am scared to death to do.
Will it be easier next time?
No, I don't think it will be... not even a little bit.
But I'll do it again... because it was so worth it.

::::::::::::::::::::::