Staying One Step ahead Of Mama Burn-Out

This picture was taken last week when the kids and I were in St. Louis.
I am always on the lookout for these graffiti/art walls and the kids know how much I love them, so they are always quick to point them out to me when I am driving.
They are usually fairly cooperative when I do a u-turn and go back to take pictures and beg them to get in some of them for me, too. I said usually.

So this past weekend I realized something... it's kind of funny that it just hit me, but it did.

{But first- my PSA about taking time for yourself...}

Now if you have read here for very long you know I am a HUGE supporter + encourager 

of getting away from home by yourself- dinner, a movie, coffee, exercise, whatever. 

For a few hours, overnight, for a weekend... Whatever you can manage.

It's the recharge that I think everyone needs, everyone... 

But I'm talking specifically about moms here.

I know it's really easy to put yourself last and make sure that everyone else has everything they need and it is natural for us to be everything to everyone. It's also super easy to tell ourselves things like we don't care to do anything anyway and just generally talk ourselves out of it because
we actually feel guilty and feel that we are skipping out on our "jobs" when we get away...
"Things don't go as smoothly at bedtime/school mornings/homework, etc. when I'm not home...
my spouse can't do (blank) as well as I can, so it's better if I am at home..." etc.
At one time or another in motherhood we have all probably told ourselves these things, right?
But it's not true and I'm not buying it. And the amazing thing? Everyone survives at home just fine! And sometimes they have a lot more fun when mom isn't there(duh)... it's good all around for everyone, not just the mom. I promise. So I think you should be thinking about where you are going to get away to solo... and soon.

Back to my realization though...

This might sound completely contradictory to everything I just said, but I still mean
everything I said up there and I do make it a point to get away and I don't feel guilty for it.
I am a better mother for it and that is a fact.
So this past weekend I got away but it wasn't a solo or girlfriends get-away.
I realized that sometimes getting away with the kids is the best way to recharge, too.

With the kids... Yep, I said that- I know it's kind of opposite of what I just said.
 I have always loved doing short, spontaneous road trips with the kids, even if it is just
an hour away... But I don't often do them in the spirit of me "recharging" because sometimes it
feels like an oxymoron to say "recharging" and "with the kids" in the same sentence. Sometimes.

Those little get-aways are usually done for the experience, to break up the monotony of everyday work/school/home life + for us all to do something fun together...
But not for me personally to recharge, necessarily.

But this past weekend away, just the kids and I, was exactly that... a big, fat recharge for me.

It was just the timed I needed away, but with them. I realize this would not work for everyone, or have the same outcome, but with my kids being 8 and 10 and very easy-going, 

easy-to-please travelers, it was perfect. And it was a lot of fun.

There were no dishes, no dog messes, no laundry, nothing staring me down reminding me what 

all I should be doing. We weren't at home, there were lots of options for fun things to do
 and the weather was beautiful, the nicest yet this year. It was awesome. 

The kids got to go to an indoor trampoline park, to the Science center, a sculpture park... 

We went out for donuts + coffee in our pajamas Sunday morning and ate candy

 and watched movies in our hotel room at night. 

It was just the recharge I needed and just a whole lot of fun for the kids.

///////////////

Are you able to recharge regularly and how do you do it?
What is your favorite way to recharge by yourself?

All The Ways I Fail

Yesterday morning got off to a bit of a rough start.
It was Monday first of all, so it already had that going against it...
But I woke up early(too early really) and had time to just lay in bed for quite a while and think and just wake up and be ready for the
day without rushing or oversleeping.
I remember laying there thinking that this was the perfect way to start the day.


But somehow things went from just fine to not,  in no time at all... And I do know that my actions or reactions sometimes perpetuate these things
or at the very least make them worse, you know, and go from not great to really shitty in 0.2 seconds.
That's what happened. It happens.

I heard fighting downstairs and after lots of talking and them pretending to listen yesterday and the day before, I lost it.
There was no screaming but I did yell and lectured and then I was really grouchy and mad.
And then of  course it was time for the kids to leave for Vacation Bible School and for me to go to work and I left feeling like the worst mom
ever, that is obviously doing  E  V  E  R  Y  T  H  I  N  G
wrong or else my kids wouldn't be fighting and I wouldn't be losing my temper and I wouldn't feel like crying on the way to work.
I didn't, because I actually put make-up on and wore a skirt so I wasn't about to cry.
Mostly I was mad.
And stressed.

And then I am mad that I am mad.
I get mad at myself for things that could have been avoided had I given it a few more minutes, been just a little more patient,
been a little more organized and not stressed about
getting out the door late.
Then there are the times that no matter what you do, someone might just be in a grouchy mood, or tired or whatever, and there is absolutely
nothing I can do about that.

But still.
When I have these mornings or days or evenings or weeks, it's really hard not to think of all the ways I am failing.
Because there are so, SO many.
I'm failing in the patience department.
I am failing at the organization thing.
I am failing at the working outside the home thing.
I am failing in the laundry and cooking department and pretty much anything and everything in the house.

I could give you a list a mile long of my shortcomings and sometimes only come up with a couple of things that I am doing right
or even just semi-good.
I think this is normal.
Motherhood can be defeating.
It's hard.
It's a roller coaster.
It's my most important job.
But it's not the only thing I am or the only person I am.
And that can be so overwhelming at times.



Thank goodness that tomorrow is a brand new day.
And we all have another chance.
To do better or do it over or to just another day to give ourselves a little more of a break.




////////////

Lately...

Lately my mind goes from wanting to relax and enjoy the days away on the porch swing, to wanting to pack everything
up(okay, not everything)
and go on an adventure somewhere for a month with my family.

Then right back to wanting to float on a raft all Summer in the backyard, sunbathing.
Then right back to wanting to pack up everything and take a road trip with my girlfriends to Nashville to get away and think and sleep
in and have no responsibilities--- and, and.....

My mind is constantly going from one thing to the next.
Lists of what needs to be done, to tearing up the lists because I don't seem to have any time or motivation to do it all anyway.
It's not an even a "funk" which I will definitely fall into sometimes.
It's not unhappiness either.
Do you ever have times like this where you can't figure how you feel or what's going on...
Maybe you're feeling stuck or ready for a change... or something but you just don't know what?

Or is it just me and I am totally and completely nuts?
You know that's definitely a possibility, too....

That's just where I am lately. 

And I think it's okay to be here and just try to figure it all out as I go. 

Parenting :: On The Pope and Ass-Kicking and Ruining My Kids For Good

{ That's a big and kinda scary title, huh? }


Some days parenting and being The Mom is so hard.
Some days it is almost effortless.
Some days I want to scoop the kids up and take off for the country,  never to be seen again.
Away from people and other kids and school and TV and electronics and everything.
E  v  e  r  y  t  h  i  n  g.
Some days I couldn't be happier right where we are- in this stage of our lives and their lives and just all of it.
Some days I feel pretty proud of my kids and where they are and how they are doing...
and even, dare I say, a tiny bit proud of the job we are doing as parents.
Then the next day I realize, and have a  major freak out in my head, that I am ruining the kids.
RUINING THEM.


I'm not doing the right things with them, teaching them what's important, we're not going to church regularly, I don't have answers
for the hard
questions and more often than I would like I have to,  I tell them that "I'll get back to you on that one."
But then I forget to.
They've not yet played a team sport(either of them!) or any kind of sport for that matter.
They have never had a puppy or flown on an airplane.
They've never set foot inside a Chuck E. Cheese and might even think we don't have one at all in the state of Illinois.
I am not strong in the patience department, it's one of my worst faults.
If I can't show them patience as I should... will they be able to have/show patience?

Charlotte recently asked my mom(when my mom mentioned the Pope in conversation and described him as wearing a white robe and a big pointy hat):
"You mean like a wizard?"
Yikes.
#Mom(ThatWasRaisedCatholic)Fail.
I mean... that's just wrong... they should know this... that's  MY JOB.
What else don't they know, that they SHOULD know??


Some days I want to go over to school and literally threaten the bratty kid who made an inappropriate gesture/was mean to/used bad +
inappropriate language in front of my kid.
He doesn't need to know this stuff yet!
That's it, I'm homeschooling!
Private school!
And the next day when my child comes home from school with a bruise on his leg from being kicked by a classmate I want to go
physically kick the kid's ass.
Like I actually envision myself kicking an 8-year old's ass. And that's kinda wrong.
But then my child tells me that he kinda pinched the kid first, just lightly and in a kidding way.
And I tell him;  "I bet you keep your hands to yourself next time then, huh?"
But I'm not sure which way is right-- that or whoopin' the classmate's ass ?!


I want to teach them the right way, the appropriate way....
But sometimes that's just really hard.
And don't worry, these ass-kickin' fantasies stay in my head and are not uttered in front of the kids,
I promise.

////////////


And my brain isn't like this every day,  don't worry.
I am pretty laid back in general.
And I'm a laid back parent, no helicopter parenting going on over here.
But still.
Some days it's enough to drive you crazy.
And on those days.... there'd better be a bottle of wine in the house.
Or two.

AND.... That's A Wrap.

Hard to believe it's the day after already... but it is.
But, Christmas is not officially over for us,  as we have another family celebration today.
I am really, really ready to lounge around all day(instead of just all morning) in my pajamas and watch the kids play with their new things,
to try to get from room to room without stepping on Legos and roller skates, to start reading my new book... all of it.

If you want to know the honest truth, I am always relieved when the Holidays are over... I do love them, don't get me wrong,  but I am also
ready to get back to some kind of normalcy too, ya know?
I have decided that Christmas is wonderful and tiring, depressing and magical all at once.


I'm ready to enjoy the rest of this Christmas break with the kids and I am totally and completely ready to move into 2014.
Big changes  need to come  in the New Year and I'm still trying to figure it all out... but I'm ready for it.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the rest of your holiday season!

Confessions Of A 'Selfish' Mom

Alone time is a necessity for me.
Quiet time, all alone. 
QUIET. ALONE : Two absolutely heart-fluttering, magical words.

I know as women and moms we always joke about needing to get away from it all and; "Calgon, take me away" and all that jazz, 
but I'm not joking or laughing about it... It's not a far-off, daydreaming kind of want... 
it's real. 
I need it... and I have to get it when I can...any way that I can.
I mean... I'm not leaving the kids home alone and going for a drive, don't get me wrong, but when I feel like I really just need to
get  AWAY,  like right  now,  that's where I go.

Being super busy and having a mile long mental to-do list causes major stress for me.
Major.
It makes me edgy and anxious and left feeling a lit bit defeated-- because I just don't think I'm going to get it all done.
Well, because... I usually don't.
Then, I feel kinda mad at myself for letting it get me stressed and snappy and bitchy... ya know?
That's just how I work... and I don't love it, but I can sometimes(not always) figure out how to get myself out of it and I figure instead
of beating myself up over it, I need to do the best I can do...  and just handle it.

And do what needs to be done, which is,  get some time to myself.

Here's the part where I know I probably differ from a lot of other moms with the whole needing alone time thing;
I need time to myself,  for myself... And I do not feel guilty about it. 
I don't.
I'm not saying I never did, but I am saying that I do not feel guilty now.
I do not feel guilty for wanting + needing ALONE TIME, or AWAY TIME-- it makes me a better person, a better mom, a better
wife and friend, it is what I need.

To a lot of other women/moms, this sounds so SELFISH.
That's always really interesting to me, that we immediately feel, or are made to feel, selfish when we say that we need something for ourselves.
Like being mothers forfeits our right to anything that is just for US and no one else.
I'm not buying it, I could not disagree more.

Yes, we often come last, yes we have a million things to do for others all the time... But it doesn't mean that we should neglect what we need.
My personal theory is that if you do that long enough, you will pay the price.


-By not knowing who YOU are, you may not know what your own real interests are- what you want to do/make/be/love

-By not taking the time to connect with friends or taking the time to be a good friend to others will only hurt us eventually.
If we do not take time for our friendships, we will not have really good + true friends when we NEED them the most

-We will not have any outside interests that are necessary to our well-being-- that fill us up creatively, spiritually, intellectually, etc.

- By never taking time for ourselves we are not setting a good example for our children.

- By never taking time for ourselves we are never giving ourselves a chance to truly feel recharged and  refreshed and ready for all of the daily
  demands in our lives

I'm not here to give advice, I'm just hear to listen to myself talk, really.... 

But I really do feel strongly about this-- "Selfish" does not have to be a dirty word, and when

I say "selfish" I don't necessarily mean the dictionary's definition, 

but; self-care, not depriving ourselves of what we need because we are 

too busy or not as important as everything else we have to do... that's my made-up definition.

:::::::::::::::::::::

This weekend I hope to be able to squeeze in a little time for coffee with a friend, a solo drive 

through the country, a walk through my favorite cemetery or a little have a little time to sit by 

myself at the lake with a cup of coffee and a book...

Any of those will do.

Just give me two hours, I will feel like a new person!

Do you get solo time?

Enough of it?

What do you love to do when you have a couple of free hours all to yourself?

Do tell!

Keepin' It Real :: When Being A Grown-Up Sucks

{Warning : No sugar-coated  I Love My Life!  post here today.

Looking for that?  Best keep moving, folks}

There are lots of good things about being a grown-up... or The Grown-Up, don't get me wrong, 

but there are a lot of super crappy, not fun things about being an adult, too....

And lately?

Those things just seem to be overshadowing the few benefits I can currently count on my hand

 of being the older, mature "grown-up".    

Because really... some days?

I don't want to make the decisions, or answer the questions, I don't want to help with third grade

 Math homework or try to teach the "right lessons" about not nice friends at school.

I don't want to wonder if I am in the right place in my life, doing the right thing.

I don't want to worry about bills.

Or lack of money.

Busy schedules and a house that I can't seem to keep up with.

I don't want to think about having no dental insurance, feeling like crap, 

loads + loads of laundry, school fundraisers, volunteering at school and the 

seemingly constant school meetings and emails.

 AND on top of all that-- a new job.

Some days I just don't want to do any of it.

None.

I just want to get in my car, with my friends, like we did when we were twenty, 

go on a road trip somewhere to see some concert that we just have to see and be 

immature with no responsibilities and no real cares.

Don't get me wrong, I don't actually wish I was twenty again, but some days that simpler 

carefree time sure does appeal to me.

Today is one of those days, and this is one of those weeks.

So instead, today I will fold laundry, go through school papers and answer 50 emails, 

while watching/listening to the Gilmore Girls.... 

Taking off in my car for a random road trip will just have to wait until another day, huh?

Sigh.

Oh well.

Ever have these days... weeks... feelings... thoughts?

Ever feel like hiding under the covers and never coming back out?

Please tell me I'm not alone.

FORTY. 40. Forty?!

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month.

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month.

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. 

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month.

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month.

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month.

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month.

I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month. I do not turn 40 this month.

Ahhhh.... *%$# crap.

Yes I do.

I do.

What?!

I thought I just turned, like...34?

Forty.

It sounds so old.

I'm too immature to be forty.

No more 30's?

Is this the end?

Unbelievable... like, I'm actually in denial...

How can this be?

No, really.

Full-on mid-life crisis, here I come...

Help me.

Forty?

::::::::::

Keeping It Real :: The Whole Airplane/Flying Thing

Early Wednesday morning I will be getting on an airplane headed to Florida.

There, I actually said it out loud;  I'm going on vacation... on an airplane.

And I am really, really scared to fly.

I wish I wasn't... I actually hate it that I am... it's dumb.

I wish I was the person that thought nothing of it, jumped on a plane without a second thought... the person that plans

a trip and does not feel like backing out because of the whole flying part... but I'm just not.

I'm deathly afraid to fly and haven't in years... But I'm going anyway.

On Wednesday I will be with four of my best girlfriends, on the beach, drinking a beer... and that picture in my mind is
the only thing that is getting me on that airplane.

The only thing.

I know, I know.... get over it, Amy!-- you're going on vacation!-- but in the spirit of Keeping It Real here on

this little blog of mine, I thought I would share how I am really feeling leading up to this vacation.

Sure, I could have not shared this, I didn't have to, and then you would have seen all of my pretty, fun pictures on Instagram this

week and been none the wiser. Right?

But here's the thing... I made a decision a while back to share my struggle with anxiety and panic... 

in my "real life" with my friends and family and here, too-- and YES, this is my real life here, too.

It was hard and it was a big deal for me, it still is, every single time I post about it here I have second thoughts immediately and

wonder if I should just delete the post.

BUT.
It helps.
The not hiding it, the not being ashamed, the not feeling like a liar, the not feeling like I am alone and no one understands,
the part where me sharing might actually help someone else-- it all helps... and it's what I feel like I need to be doing right now.
So I do.
And I try to just let go of the feeling judged part.

/////////////////////

So today I have a lot to do. A lot to do.
By nature I am not a big planner--uh, no... not at all,  but I have been making lists for Eric and his mom and lists for myself.
I am trying to be as organized as possible and my goal is to have everything I need to still run get finished by today.
Flip flops, sunscreen, magazines, bathing suit....all done today.
I need to be as organized as possible at home so I am organized in my my mind... if that makes any sense at all.
Being organized and prepared,  not stressed and freaking out,  will hopefully keep the anxiety and panic at bay. Hopefully.

>>>

So wish me luck on Wednesday... and have a happy Sunday... 
Hope you are doing something fun today!


* More Keeping It Real posts on anxiety/panic/life...
here, here, here, here

Keeping It Real :: Feeling Stuck

I have a confession.
I have started this post in my mind one hundred times, or something like that.
I just haven't been able to write it....for several reasons.
I don't want to be judged.
I don't want to sound like a whiny brat.
I don't really want to admit that I have always kind of known that the silver lining to this time in my life might just be the bit
of freedom I would have to do do that one awesome thing I always wanted to do...
AND now it's here and I have done absolutely nothing with it.
I am embarrassed that other people, maybe like you, with little kids at home all day, are thinking "Well, I wish I had that problem..."
or "Must be nice..." while rolling your eyes at me.
It's okay, I would totally do it, too.
Wait-- I think I do. To myself.

I feel stuck.
Like, life-stuck.
In my life, with my life... I feel stuck. There, I said it.
Not stuck as in I Want Out .... but stuck as in I am kind of frozen in one spot, not moving and not sure
where to go/what to do next... that kind of stuck. It really kinda sucks. A whole, whole lot.

I am at the end of my 30's, which is scary...my baby is in kindergarten... I am not working... I'm not sure what I want to do with
my life... and I am not having any more kids.
Ouch.
Throw into the mix that I have now been off of my anxiety/panic medication for 3-4 months now and you have got one
Big, Fat Ugly Mess.
I have been jokingly(and not-so-jokingly) been saying that I am having a mid-life crisis and after doing a little reading on it
and understanding that this is a "normal transitional period" in my life, is making me feel a little bit better, maybe a little
less dumb....just a little.

The funny(and kind of sad) thing is that if I was talking to a friend I would point out that;  this is normal and not to be ashamed
and of course you're not ungrateful for your life and Yes, I do understand...No, you're not crazy-Well, maybe a little but
it's the good kind of crazy..."
But it is different when it is YOU, huh?
It shouldn't be,  but it is.
As women we are so hard on ourselves, I know I am guilty of it for sure.
Why do we do it?
Really. Why?

/////////

The good thing...
It's a transitional period, right?
Which means it won't last forever, right?
I mean that's what they say(whoever they are) and I'm banking on it.
It's gotta be true.

Here + Now :: Keeping It Real

Life isn't just pretty pictures, at least mine isn't... and I never want anyone to think it is.

There is lots of in-between stuff, too.
Sometimes it's easy to look really close and see all of the good stuff, the beautiful stuff.
Sometimes it's much, much harder.

But in real life there is....

dirty windows
bribing for nasty cough medicine to be taken
sick and miserable kids
a Christmas tree so wimpy there is no way an ornament can be hung on it
paper towels out for cleaning up dog throw up(again)
bloody noses that means yet another load of laundry

*****

There are also all of the things you can't see, like people struggling, friends you can't help but wish you could...
there are worries and stress and struggles beyond our control.
Sometimes it all feels like so much.
And I think it's okay to admit that, I know it is.


*There are now 3 of us home sick today; Wyatt, Charlotte and I ...Any well wishes are welcome. 
And if you have a second, prayers for mama's sanity are also welcome.

library :: keeping it real

The story behind the pictures::

don't the pictures make it look just dreamy?

what awesome kids.

what a great mom...why couldn't I be more like that?

no fighting, entertained for hours.

she has it all together.

Well, she doesn't. I don't.

It wasn't dreamy.

There was fighting.

They are awesome, of course, but far from perfect.

Wyatt was walking around the little "library" on all fours, lifting his leg and pretending to

pee on Charlotte's book displays.

They were entertained for all of 15 minutes.

I am not here to try and make my life look better than it is.

Easier than it is.

I could have just showed you the pictures and left it at that.

I was mentally exhausted by the end of yesterday, too lazy to even  make my dirty kids bathe.

This is my life and it's good even when it's not.

And I tell myself that all the time, just so I won't forget.

Now I am off to make some coffee and eat breakfast and rejoice in the fact that it is Friday.

Hallelujah.

Have a great day everyone!