On Fear, Anxiety and Just Doing It

So, after my little trip to Florida in April I had intended to write a post on the whole flying thing but just never got around to it.
I talked about it here before I went on vacation... and I know it's kind of old news now, BUT I am sharing because I have come to
realize that sharing my crazy anxiety/panicky stuff actually helps me, and it might just make someone else feel not so crazy, or alone...
and that would be a good thing.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I am scared to death of flying.
I hate it. Like hate, hate, hate it.
I'd rather have surgery before voluntarily putting myself on an airplane.
I'm not scared of terrorists, or heights or... whatever, I am just plain scared of crashing- and not just crashing but that whole minute
I imagine it would take to crash and just knowing that whole time you were going to die and not being able to do anything about it.
That is what I think about pretty much the entire time I am on an airplane, like obsessive thoughts, over and over.
It's a bit crazy.
Doesn't that sound like a bit of a nightmare?

No, it's not like I get on the airplane and then after a bit I'm able to relax and enjoy the rest of the flight... or even just stop freaking out
for the rest of the flight.
Not even a little bit, that does not happen.
I freak out in my head the entire time, it does not slow down until pretty much right before we land.
When the plane starts descending and you start getting close enough to see the land really good I start to calm down a tiny bit, as we
get lower I finally start to feel like I can take a deep breath.
And it's not because I think we're so close now that we probably won't crash either.
Oh no, I'm still convinced there is a pretty good chance we'll crash, BUT at that point I feel like if we do crash we are close enough
to the ground that it would happen really fast and I wouldn't even have a chance to think about what was going on.
See? Little bit crazy.

Thankfully, I was flying with three very understanding friends that knew what a big deal flying is for me, otherwise I wouldn't have
even done it.
They made sure I was not by a stranger or by myself, or next to the window... or the aisle...or the crazy man that appeared drunk
that might want to talk to me during the flight...
Yeah, they are really good friends.
They knew not to talk to me if I was looking super-crazy and my friend that I sat next to was fine with me holding her hand during
take-off and almost squeezing it off.
They knew that if drinks were being served to flag down the stewardess and that when my headphones were in not to even attempt to
talk to me(they were in almost the entire time).

So yes, I was scared to death, BUT,  I did not have an anxiety attack on the airplane.
I was not hauled away by security, my plane did not crash and I am here to tell you that I survived...all four flights.
Yes, we changed planes each way... so FOUR times I did this.
Four times.
One plane was a tiny one and let me tell you, I seriously thought about taking a train home from Chicago instead... but I didn't.
It wasn't pretty, but I did it.
As silly as it may seem to some, I am proud of myself... like really proud.
I did something that I was/am scared to death to do.
Will it be easier next time?
No, I don't think it will be... not even a little bit.
But I'll do it again... because it was so worth it.

::::::::::::::::::::::

Keeping It Real :: The Whole Airplane/Flying Thing

Early Wednesday morning I will be getting on an airplane headed to Florida.

There, I actually said it out loud;  I'm going on vacation... on an airplane.

And I am really, really scared to fly.

I wish I wasn't... I actually hate it that I am... it's dumb.

I wish I was the person that thought nothing of it, jumped on a plane without a second thought... the person that plans

a trip and does not feel like backing out because of the whole flying part... but I'm just not.

I'm deathly afraid to fly and haven't in years... But I'm going anyway.

On Wednesday I will be with four of my best girlfriends, on the beach, drinking a beer... and that picture in my mind is
the only thing that is getting me on that airplane.

The only thing.

I know, I know.... get over it, Amy!-- you're going on vacation!-- but in the spirit of Keeping It Real here on

this little blog of mine, I thought I would share how I am really feeling leading up to this vacation.

Sure, I could have not shared this, I didn't have to, and then you would have seen all of my pretty, fun pictures on Instagram this

week and been none the wiser. Right?

But here's the thing... I made a decision a while back to share my struggle with anxiety and panic... 

in my "real life" with my friends and family and here, too-- and YES, this is my real life here, too.

It was hard and it was a big deal for me, it still is, every single time I post about it here I have second thoughts immediately and

wonder if I should just delete the post.

BUT.
It helps.
The not hiding it, the not being ashamed, the not feeling like a liar, the not feeling like I am alone and no one understands,
the part where me sharing might actually help someone else-- it all helps... and it's what I feel like I need to be doing right now.
So I do.
And I try to just let go of the feeling judged part.

/////////////////////

So today I have a lot to do. A lot to do.
By nature I am not a big planner--uh, no... not at all,  but I have been making lists for Eric and his mom and lists for myself.
I am trying to be as organized as possible and my goal is to have everything I need to still run get finished by today.
Flip flops, sunscreen, magazines, bathing suit....all done today.
I need to be as organized as possible at home so I am organized in my my mind... if that makes any sense at all.
Being organized and prepared,  not stressed and freaking out,  will hopefully keep the anxiety and panic at bay. Hopefully.

>>>

So wish me luck on Wednesday... and have a happy Sunday... 
Hope you are doing something fun today!


* More Keeping It Real posts on anxiety/panic/life...
here, here, here, here

Amy Vs. The World /// A Trip To Crazytown

So my title might sound a wee bit dramatic, but that's just pretty much exactly how I am feeling today.
Do you know what I mean?
Like nothing is quite right, everyone and everything is against me and I can do absolutely nothing right.
I might just be the worst parent around, am most definitely the world's worst spouse, I don't seem to know where to go or
what to do next and even the simplest of things seem just a little bit too overwhelming.

Don't worry, I know it's not true, not really anyway... that's just how I am feeling.
It's just one of those days where you wish you could vanish into thin air....go far, far away where you know no one
and no one will look at you, speak to you or even notice that you are there.
Or crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there for days.
Days.

I feel like crying and I'm not sure why... I am trying my best to hold it together.
Because sometimes you feel like if you start you just may not stop.
The anxiety is creeping around but not actually there yet... and in the back of my mind I wonder how
long until the cycle of anxiety, panic + sleepless nights are back.

This, my friends, is what going off of your anti-anxiety medication looks like.
This isn't the result I was hoping for.
It took a couple of weeks to get here and I(maybe much too)foolishly thought that maybe this is
NOT where I would be.... not how I would feel.
That it was possible to be just fine without it, that I am bigger than the anxiety and "stronger"
than it, too.
That I could deal with it alone or that it really was "better".... or gone, at bay... that it's not as much
of an issue anymore.

>>>>>>>>>>>

This is what I know, right now, today : 
If I want everyone else to know that it is okay to admit that you are battling with anxiety, panic attacks, depression- or with
anything at all that might make you feel bad, weak or "less than"... that it is nothing to be ashamed of, there is nothing
wrong with you and you are not alone.
I need to own it + say it out loud,  because this is my story, too.

I will get past this little bad patch, I know I will.
And I also know that, unfortunately,  this will not be the last one.
I am lucky enough to have a few very good friends that understand, sympathize, listen + don't judge me or think
that I am completely crazy.
Even if I feel like it sometimes.

Tomorrow is a new day.
And for that I am grateful.
Very grateful.

>>>>>>>>

Source: housetweaking.com via Amy on Pinterest

{ Related Crazytown Posts :: here , here , here , here }

Deep Breaths :: Part 1,368

So, in reality I have not written all that many posts on this topic but I feel like I have.
I have written so many in my head, tried to write them on paper, attempted to type them but
couldn't find the words....and sometimes didn't want to find the words.
I have felt embarrassed, misunderstood, crazy, scared, frustrated, lost and alone over the last year.
I have also felt understood, loved, a bit normal, at peace and at times very hopeful.
One one hand I feel like I have come so far in the last six-nine months and on the other hand I
feel like I still have so far to go.

This has all been on my mind a lot lately because things started on a downhill spiral right around
Easter last year.
It was a one-way ticket to Crazytown.
The other night I sat on the front porch at night after the kids went to bed and remembered that this
time last year I could not sleep, like at all, and I would sit on the porch at all hours of the night and morning worrying, wondering what was wrong with me and when it was going to end.
Anxiety and panic wreaked havoc on me, literally.
I was in a cycle of anxiety, panic attacks and no sleep and I could not get myself out of it.
I had my first real experience with insomnia and developed a serious appreciation and
understanding of people that deal with insomnia on a regular basis.
It's hard to function on little to no sleep, like really hard.
It sucks.

It is hard for others to understand anxiety and panic and like many things, I think the terms and diagnosis are over-used,  generalized and misunderstood.
Besides feeling ashamed for having a "problem" I couldn't handle or fix myself, I also felt guilty for
being so weak.
Yes, the guilt...that was a big one.
And shame.
I felt like this made me some kind of hypochondriac or drama queen.
I was actually going to the doctor because my hands, face, arms and leg were going numb yet
my doctor was telling me it was all anxiety-related.
Here's the thing: I kind of pride myself on not being whimpy, definitely not a hypochondriac
or a drama queen, thank you very much.
I had my first baby with no medication, by choice, and hoped to do it the second time around
the same way.
I have had kidney stones several times(and just so ya know, kidney stones run a damn close race
with labor for pain) surgery for kidney stones and a couple other surgeries.
How could this all be anxiety?

Some of my thoughts were a little like this;
What about the people that are dealing with real problems? 
Losing children and spouses and parents and  jobs and battling serious illnesses...
What gives me the right to completely melt down over what I consider a "silly" problem?
If I can't handle this myself how will I be able to handle more serious things in the future?
Does everyone in my generation have problems? Are we all making excuses for things we should
be able to toughen up and handle ourselves?

It is difficult on so many levels to try and explain this to other people, let alone family and friends
that think you should be able to snap out of it yourself or that there are solutions as simple as
taking a walk(thanks, mom) or just 'trying not to worry about it'.
It's frustrating but I don't expect everyone to understand just like I don't understand what those
dealing with depression and countless other things are going through.
In my real life, and sometimes here, I do joke about being crazy, I am a bit of a smart-ass and
laughing/making fun of myself is how I deal.
Also, I joke about my mom telling me to take a walk but she really thought that was the solution
because she just didn't understand.
That being said, I am not crazy and neither is anyone else dealing with this, just so ya know.

I know this might seem to be a little all over the place but there is a lot I have to say on this topic
but what I want to say today, right now, is that if you are dealing with something like this(or
something completely unlike this) you are not alone and things can and will get better.
This is not something I am just going to "get over", there is no simple solution, but things are
so much better than they were last summer and for that I am so grateful.

*{Related Crazytown  posts :: here, here, here and here}


There, that feels a little better for some reason.
Hope you all are having a great day...tomorrow is Friday already.
I better start doubling up on my coffee--I will be at The Hunger Games at midnight tonight! : )
Wooohooo!

This and That.

 A few things....

First ::  I am leaving this Friday, like in two days, for the
 Na-Da Farm Barn Sale Event {eeeek}.

I am excited and nervous and...yeah, pretty much excited and nervous.

My best girl friend is going with me...

Did I already tell you guys that?

I am really excited about that, we both are.

She lives a few hours north and although we do see each other every other month or so,
it is never for an extended period of time, ya know.

Like not usually longer than it takes us to drink about three margaritas....either that
or else we are together with all of our kids.

So,  it will be fun to have some uninterrupted time, sans children, to just hang out.

Anyway, yeah, excited....lots to do, and a super busy week leading up to Friday.

The trees are really starting to change now.

Everything is looking so pretty and there is that feeling of Fall in the air.
It has been in the 40's-50's real early in the morning.

The weather is absolutely perfect and you wish it could stay just like this for
about six more months. Oh, I wish.

The reds and yellows and oranges of the trees....beautiful.
Did you know that I love Fall? ; )
Well, I have always loved Fall but having both of my babies born in
the Fall has made it an extra special season for me.

Yesterday morning I sat out on the front porch and drank my coffee while Charlotte played

in the front yard and ran up and down the sidewalk in her tutu, just because she could.

Ever have those moments where everything just feels so right?
The day, the weather, the kids, where you are, what you are doing....

That is the best feeling.

Often followed immediately by something so wrong, but that's life I guess.

At least mine, anyway.

Note to self :: make time for more journaling.

I know I talked about this a while back, but it is something I need to do, like actually need to do.

I think it is so good to sit down before bed, or any time really, and just get everything out of my head.

I think it really helps with my anxiety to just let it go...on paper.

Does that make sense?

Even when I don't think I have much to say, it is like a brain dump.

To-do lists, random ramblings, ideas, projects, worries, stress, quotes, books to read...

just write it down and let it go.

Or try to let it go anyway. That's usually kinda tough for me, the letting it go part.

Yesterday after preschool we went to the park for a picnic.

It was nice and peaceful and the girls had so much fun.

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that before we know it we will be cooped up
for the Winter so I am trying to take full advantage of this weather right now.

My niece was content to ride in the stroller and watch the big girls.

Wow, you really forget how exhausting (and fun) babies are once you are out of that
 routine for a while, but they are a lot of both.

Remember a while back when I talked about my sleep problems (here)?

Well, maybe I never followed up on that one (which I know I am so bad about) but things are

 definitely better in the sleep department now. The journaling, like I just mentioned, 

helps and I also have a no TV rule for myself in our bedroom now before bed. 

Watching TV before bed isn't what causes my sleep problems, but I don't think it probably

 helps when I am already having trouble falling asleep in the first place.

Well, time for me to get on my walking shoes and head out for a walk

 before everyone gets up this morning.

 Have a great day, the week is half-way over!

Hoooooray for that.

Getting There.

So I think I have somehow climbed my way out of my insomnia.

For now.

I am paranoid about even saying things like this...I  don't wanna jinx myself, ya know?

Sleep is good. Sleep is important. Sleep is a necessity.

When you are not sleeping good it messes everything up, like everything.

Did you know that? Because I didn't. Not really.

I thought that when the kids were babies and being up and down all night long nursing
was tough, that is the only kind of sleep-deprivation I had ever known before. 

But ummm...no, being awake for literally half of the night, laying in bed for hours and finally 

falling asleep two hours  before you know the kids will be up is bad. 

Thank god for my husband.

Anyway, it seems to be gone (for now),

I am sleeping good, normal even, and have been getting up early, like 5:45 am to walk 

several times a week. That is like a HUGE thing for me right now.

My man even got me a new ipod  and put music on it for me for my birthday which just makes

 getting up early to exercise that much easier.

I still have a long way to go but I am feeling so much better.

I don't think I made it clear in this post (oh wait--you can't read my mind?) but I know that
my insomnia is directly related to anxiety. 

The anxiety is under control (for now) and I have to say, I feel like a new person compared to
 the way I was feeling back in April... and May...and June...and July...

It has been a long road to get here.

And I don't think I am there there but I am getting there.

I don't want to sound like a commercial, but...if you are struggling with anything similar,
or nothing similar at all, but something completely different, hang in there. 

It will get better.

Ask for help, share your struggle with other people, talk to someone, consider medication,
consider counseling, be honest with yourself and others, consider exercise, meditation, acupuncture,
a support group, prayer...whatever it takes.

I know different things work for different people, it might take a while, 

but you will get there.

It's hard to know what to share here and what not to.

No one wants to be judged...or labeled...for people to think there is something"wrong"
with them, that we have problems. 

But in reality everyone has problems, we all do at some point, they might all be different and

 at different times in our lives but don't ever let yourself believe that each and every person

 doesn't have problems.
The people behind your favorite blogs, your neighbors, best friends, the mom who seems to do
 it all, your family, your enemies, co-workers...everyone.
 They are struggling financially, in their marriages, with depression, addiction, they don't know how to handle their children, they are unhappy and unemployed and in bad marriages and don't know what to do with their lives.
They are struggling with fertility, with school,
with their teenagers,
with their weight and health problems and they are worried about their jobs
 and bills and life.
All of us...and I am not saying this as a "misery loves company" sort of thing but just
 to remind anyone out there
that needs to be reminded that you are not alone.

I hope that was not too much for your Thursday morning, I promise to be back with
 a less serious post tomorrow ; )

 I am sitting out on the back patio drinking coffee right now while Charlotte is playing.

 It is a beautiful day...hope you have one, too!

*ps-remember you can always email me at 

amy(dot)bramer(at)gmail(dot)com